This month I had the awesome opportunity to join with Wear Blue in a 2-month campaign called Warrior 100, to raise awareness about military and veteran suicide.
Warrior 100 — wear blue: run to remember (wearblueruntoremember.org)
We had an awesome morning a few weeks before Grindstone to have a video crew from lifetime Media at our home for a few hrs. to take photographs and do a video interview where I had the chance to talk about Dexter and my experience as a suicide survivor. It was so amazing to go from being just a mom, putting on my shoes and running for my son, to being a partner in a national awareness campaign and fundraiser. Such an amazing gift to see Dexter's death turn into incredible proactive action to help and honor the bravest among us, our nations heroes. The next day I had the chance to do a podcast with an affiliated company about Dexter and my running. It was so humbling to have so much focus on my races and this experience, I was just walking on air. Was a little awkward on this podcast but it was a good 30 min discussion. :)
There's always something though... As I'm heading into my 57th 100 miler for veteran suicide awareness, I'm aware some people are still clueless, steeped in stigma or determined to misunderstand me. I very sadly had a person close to the family, instead of recognizing this special and amazing point in my survivor journey, say to me quietly that I “needed to remember that there were people who are alive that “needed me, too.” Talk about getting knocked from a place of peace and joy. Ugh. I tried to brush it off, but it ate at me... I'd just been in contact with my sweet friend Jennifer's family, and had Jenn on my heart, LCpl Jake Crewson's mother who survived a year after his suicide, only to succumb to the incredible grief she was carrying. That could be any mother who has lost a child in such a way. A surviving parent has 10x the risk of the average population of suicide in the wake of their child's death. I definitely have gone through periods when I wanted to follow Dexter and just be buried right beside him. Even 5 ½ years later there are days when the memory of holding my son's cold lifeless body in my arms, steals my breath and emotionally cripples me. Still, I have chosen to stay and fight .. I may be a mediocre, half -assed mother, wife, farmer, runner...whatever, but do you know what? I. am. Still. Here. It's a herculean effort at times. I shouldn't probably rail on this except that I know in our society that is backwards about grief, there are few safe places where a grieving mother can openly and constantly keep their child's memory alive, and I am determined to be that safe place for other moms. September is Suicide Prevention and Awareness month, how about let's stop judging suicide survivors and the story of survival they are writing. If they are still here, they need your support, not your advice and criticism. I can't take care of anyone else if I can't take care of me, and taking care of me right now means running for Dexter and for military and veteran suicide awareness, and I believe it does help the “people who are alive.” Blah.
Well, the emotions of that left me emotionally exhausted, but with just 3 weeks really, to train and be ready for Grindstone, I had to focus on using all remaining energy I had into increasing my pace, pushing my heart rate, getting my quads ready for faster times and crushing downhill runs if I was going to make the new 36-hour cutoff at Grindstone this year. I finished last year in 36:02 hrs., but as a new UTMB qualifying race, literally winning you a ticket into the UTMB lottery, the race became 3 miles longer and 2 hours shorter. I spent 4 days a week doing speedwork and 2 keeping my hill training strong. Jason found me a vert trainer at a yard sale for $60 so I threw that into the mix. I had a pacer back out, so I was pretty worried about going this course on my own, when my friend Jennifer offered to come down from Washington DC and pace me. Now, Jenn is legally blind, so that could have been a disaster on the rocks at Grindstone, lol, but she is FAST. This amazing woman though she has incurable bone deterioration in addition to her eyes, has run the Boston Marathon, Marine Corps and over 200 others. Not only that, but she runs to honor veterans and first responders and has had her share of traumatic grief, so she knows my deep rooted desire to serve with running, I had the strong impression from the spirit and Dexter that she was the right person to do this race with, so I accepted her offer and with poles, a bright waist lamp and the grittiest spirit I know, I felt a renewed sense of confidence that together somehow we'd pull off this race. Not only that but she's got a fiery Irish spirit, so I had confidence she'd verbally kick my butt to get me across the finish line if she had to. Me with my knee, her with her eyes, the two of us I felt would complement each other and make an awesome team! I knew she was great company too, because we'd run Daytona 100 together a few yrs. ago, her first 100, and she was fun and interesting and hard as nails and 100% solid in her first 100. This was gonna be an adventure for sure.
Another reason finishing this race is important to me, the starting date Sept 22, is Auroras birthday, Dexter's now 8-year-old daughter. We haven't been allowed to see her since she was one year old. I will never understand the callous cruelty. All my races and buckles are run with her in mind, in hopes that when she grows up and starts looking for answers she will stumble across my races and know how much she and her Daddy were loved and missed. We had a birthday cake to remember her special day as my pre-race calories. <3 I'm extra grateful for the media exposure from Wear Blue because if anything like Google is around in the next 10-20 years, a search for Daddys name will bring up a whole mission in his honor. I pray she will come find us. Happy birthday, sweet angel Aurora. You are sooo loved.
I added a new Marine from 22 too many, to my pack. After Ute 100 I had this nagging feeling like I needed to fill the empty spot where I'd been carrying the Ukrainian flag, with another Marine. I came across PFC Morgan Daly twice in one week and I had the strongest feeling from Dexter that Morgan was a new friend and that I should be carrying him as well. I reached out to his mother and fortunately she was happy that I could carry him, so I had a new team member going into this race.
Grindstone is a 6pm start Friday evening, and ends at 6am Sunday morning, meaning runners would face 2 solid nights of sleep deprivation, so Wednesday and Thursday I forced myself to stay in bed in the morning and get a full 10 hrs. of sleep, not easy because I'm usually a 4-5 am riser. Unlike the last 2 years, getting to the start with no weird injuries or niggles was confidence boosting. I was feeling nervous and intimidated but confident we would find a way to finish. As we got close to the start date, watching tropical storm Ophelia rolling in for a wet cold weekend definitely added to the concern. Wind gusts rain, wind chill on the ridges down into the 20's, blind pacer on wet mossy rocks... let's just say that a lot of praying was happening! Hah!
Friday, we drove down to Staunton. I had an ice cream cone and French fries for lunch which were yummy after eating low carb all week, then we picked up Jenn from the train station. She took an Am-track from DC out meet us. It was so awesome to see her, we haven't run together since Feb 2022 when she paced me some miles for Dexter's angelversary run. We got to the beautiful Natural Chimney rocks starting line, and after dropping off drop bags and getting checked in, relaxed until the pre-race meeting and start. We took lots of prerace pics cuz once the rain started, there would be no photography to speak of!
Being a UTMB sponsored race this year, it definitely had a different vibe. Felt more professional and bureaucratic (Forgot my ID so I had to answer a list of identity questions to get my bib) and definitely a bit more impersonal with 300+ 100 miler runners at the start, but I ended up running into two people I knew from other races before I began so that felt nice! Was bummed the race hoodie and trucker hat from swag bags in previous years was now a $30 and $70 purchase. :-P and pre-race hot dogs were $10! Jenn and I had some complaints about that later in the race as aid stations ran out of soda and basic food, no hot food, when utmb was raking in $$ for runner things that should have been included in the cost. But anyway... Jenn gave me a rubber bracelet that had the words “I can do all things through Christ.” Meant so much. I knew that was gonna be my focus through the miles to have the mental and spiritual strength to force my body to do the task at hand.
I met a couple UTMB staff people just prior to the race and they took my pic and were excited I was running with Wear Blue and for military & veteran suicide awareness. That was a great way to kick off the start. It was so fun to start the race in the biggest mass of people I've seen at an ultra, with people lining the course to cheer us on, said my goodbyes to Jason and Jenn and we were off!
The first couple miles do a trail loop around the park, then back through it past all the spectators, then out to the road with a paved 4 miles to get into the foothills. It was a little warm with the setting sun and my heart rate was running a bit high. I tried to keep to 10-12 min miles until we started to hit the real climbs. It was a beautiful dry evening, and I was trying to bank as much time as possible before the bad weather moved in. Got to chat for a few min with my FB friend Matt running the course but for the most part the early miles uphill on first paved road, then gravel, then some easy rolling hills I just sunk into music and tried to enjoy the evening. I realized quickly that I'd accidentally put my running pants on inside out, so I was gonna be down two pockets! That was a bummer! So dumb but there would be no time to fix that. We had a beautiful sunset as we hit the first real hard climb. Was breathing hard and had to take a few breaks to reach the top. The sun went down, and I turned on my lamp as we hit the first of the rocky ridges. I felt like the first 15 miles or so despite a few rocks & rooty sections, was fairly easy running/jogging and felt pretty confident Jennifer could handle them with her low vision. I was looking forward to some powdered pumpkin spice donuts I'd been thinking about all week, sadly they were too powdery and breathing hard I choked on the dust so sadly had to chuck them for the squirrels to enjoy. I don't remember much about this first night. Hours and hours of trail, watching for rocks, taking them as quickly as I dared. I had 10 hours to get to the North River Gap aid station at mile 33. It sounds like plenty of time, but you have to conquer the first and largest of 4 monster climbs and descents to get there. I vaguely recall getting refills of naak and grabbing some candy/bananas/snacks at the aid stations, but I was completely focused on constant forward motion to make that first cutoff. Fortunately, the expected rain was holding off. The wind on the ridges got really cold so I eventually threw on my jacket and gloves quickly but was moving fast enough to stay comfortable. With relief I made it to the first cutoff 30-40 min ahead of schedule. This was the first aid station that had real food which I was very grateful for, brisket quesadilla and some ham/bacon on rolls gave me some solid non sweet carbs for the rest of the wee hrs. of the morning. I had 12 miles before I'd meet Jenn and Jason where I'd pick her up as a pacer and finally have some crew access. I felt like I was making good time, but some hidden miles popped up on my watch through there. The rain had started, and hands were cold, I ripped a hole in my hydration packet front pocket and lost my $4 Burts bees ChapStick and waterproof mitten protectors, sadly. I thought I'd never reach them, running 2 extra miles before I finally got to that aid station. I think they had been waiting a few hrs. for me. At Dowell's draft Jason had to pull all my gear in a wagon for a mile to get to the aid station in the rain, so he was a little crabby. It made me a little crabby... and I was already exhausted, discouraged to be only 30 minutes above cutoff. I'd run hard between those 2 aid stations, but the extra mileage didn't buy me any time buffer. The rain had moved in during the morning hours and it was wet, chilly and slippery. Met Jenn and we started the second biggest climb, 2200+ feet. I hadn't needed to worry about Jenns ability to pace me at all. She was light and fast on the smooth sections of trail, and bounded up the steep hills like there was no gravity! I staggered and stumbled behind her, she pushed me just hard enough that I was in a constant state of putting out more effort than I wanted to give, which was exactly what I needed to be doing to make the cutoffs. I said in my head many times, " I can do all things through Christ."
Mile 46 -72 were 100% the hardest miles on the course. Steep climbs, steep descents and a whole lot of wet, mossy, slippery, loose rocks that went on for miles. Jen stuck with me throughout the day for that marathon + distance. Considering she is legally blind, she took the rocky sections very well, there were only a few places where I went in front and led the way but she quickly caught up. The worst part of the afternoon was climbing to Elliots Knob, one of, if not, the highest points on the course. So steep and technical, and a new section of trail was added for the descent, roughly 5 miles on the edge of a steep side precipice in slippery mud and on loose rocks. We literally had to dig our poles in each step to not go sliding off the edge. 2 other guys on that section with us both fell hard, so we went extremely slow, taking prob 30-45 min per mile. I thought perhaps my race would be done for after this section because we were moving sooo slow. Was a bit demoralizing at the aid stations in this section, they'd run out of hot food and soda, there was no good fueling options that seemed palatable after having spent the afternoon soaking wet on treacherous terrain, a cup of hot noodles or hot chocolate or something would have really been great. This was where my niceness veneer was put to the test, as we complained about the overpriced hot dogs and race merch, while the aid stations were not providing adequate aid to the runners. I had to finally suck it up to experience and making do with what you have.
Too wet for pics, we managed 1 or two, and I pulled some old Grindstone pics to just give an idea what some of the terrain was like, but add in a tr a tropical storm! So far haven't seen a single picture of the new descent that was so treacherous!
The naak electrolyte I'd been drinking was tiresome, as it was a bit thick and gritty, so I tried to just keep chewing down the baggie full of soggy but salty Doritos until we finally met Jason after some seriously steep slick climbs that were practically a wall! Other runners around me were all going about my pace, and we would sort of rotate who was in the lead, meanwhile Jenn was flying up the climbs and I was doing my best to throw my whole body into the effort to make up time. Throughout the day when the climbs and rocks got tough, or I needed to move faster, I'd look at my bracelet and say, “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.” It helped channel my focus and prayers and I was able to keep steady through some really challenging hours.
We ran yet another extra mile as we got back to meet Jason at Dowell's draft. I felt really dumb afterwards but I kind of felt like a spoiled toddler rolling in to meet Jason. I was desperate for some hot food and hoped he'd brought ramen, forgetting about the mile hike in the rain with all my supplies he'd have to do. I started crying because all I'd asked was that he bring me ramen, and he didn't! Jenn got me some hot brother with rice from the aid station, but it was too hot to eat, and I didn't have time to walk and carry it, waiting for it to cool down. Got juice in my bottles and drank down a couple of Nesquik's and headed back out, was running 30 minutes behind the soft cutoff thanks to the technical terrain, rain and extra 3 miles we'd put in. I was definitely feeling close to my lowest, unsure if I was gonna make the hard cutoff at camp Todd by 9:30 pm. Jenn left me here for a rest, to join me again at mile 92. Sometime after the next aid station I picked up a friend, Ivor, (sp??) from NYC but originally from Ukraine.
We decided to stick together for the mostly downhill gravel road to where I'd meet Jason at mile 82. I should have pushed harder on this relatively easy section, but we were having a conversation and after such a grueling day it felt good to take it easy for a few miles and gear up for the upcoming climbs that were going to be brutal. He waited for me after I met Jason. I think I got some quesadillas at 82. Jason got me ramen at some point, possibly here, but it had a weird parsley taste, and I couldn't eat so I just drank some of the broth. The temps were mild so I put on a dry raincoat, but I should have taken extra layers. As Ivor and I were climbing the next huge climb the rain kicked into gear again, fairly heavy. I felt pretty strong moving forward, paused a few times so he could keep up. Felt like we were climbing for hours! After we reached the summit and began the descent rain and wind kicked in and it was a very long, steep, technical and slippery 6-ish miles of descent. 40mpg wind gusts. Wind chills dipping into the 20's. We had to go slow as to not slip and got colder and colder. I'd offered Ivor some hand warmers but when he finally took me up on it they'd gone cold. I had him take off his jacket and we wrapped my emergency blanket around his shoulders and I gave him some plastic bags to stick his hands in to try and warm him up. After awhile he said he was doing much better. I was pretty cold, wet and not moving fast enough. Burning more calories to stay warm than I had in me. It made me sick and Ivor had to finally leave me behind because I had to slow down to throw up a few times. Wierdly that warmed me up, my stomach settled and by the time I descended into the last crewed aid station I'd warmed up. I still switched to a dry coat. My watch had been reading an extra 2 miles run, still, so I was afraid I was gonna miss the final cutoff. Then my watch died.
All the people I'd passed earlier, passed me. I was feeling really low and not sure I was gonna make it. So grateful Jennifer was waiting at mile 92 to pace me to the finish! She reenergized my drive and we started slowly making up some time. At a lower altitude it warmed up, so I shed my coat, and we kept pretty solid time on the less technical rolling hills. I put on imagine dragons and tried to find some joy in the moment and just sunk into a rhythm of music n running, I couldn't take in many calories but was sipping on juice and it seemed to give me at least enough to be moving forward. We were still running close to cutoffs, but I knew if I kept every mile under 20 min, I'd finish. We did quite a few 17-18's through the rest of the forested trail, some moderately technical, with great relief finally hit the last steep descent, then out onto gravel and paved roads! I was surprised and relieved after 2 nights awake that I never really did get sleepy. The rain may have helped with that. a FB friend Amy who's a hard core ultrarunner was going a somewhat similar pace as I was, we kind of went back and forth taking the lead. I felt pretty great that I was able to keep her pace, she's way more experienced than I am!
I hoped to grab something I could eat/drink at the last aid station, rootbeer was about the only thing I saw that I could maybe keep down. Way to sweet but it stayed down and my stomach had settled. My knees had been hurting a lot after the last descent but it was my feet giving me the most trouble. I hadnt changed shoes or socks at all during the race, and they were stinging and hurting making every step painful. I ignored it and stay steady. Had so much fun running with Jenn. We talked a lot, but we also just ran in silence and companionship for so many miles. I was so glad to have her with me. How could I ever explain the thrill, surreal moment when we saw our first arrow pointing to the “Finish” It was like an out of body experience, running towards the finish line of my first UTMB qualifying race, feeling Dexter's warm heart, knowing I could put my name into the lottery for the most famous 100 miler in the world. Ultra Trail Mont Blanc. Forgot the cold, sick, pain, tiredness and just felt an exhausted joy as we followed the trail signs to the finish through the park, next thing I knew I was in the chute and crossed the finish at 35:27, 33 minutes to spare.
By some miracle, despite extra miles, some treacherous terrain, being awake for 2 full nights running, the 27-degree wind chill temps, borderline hypothermia, lack of good aid stations on a fair part of the course, Jenn, Jason and I as a team pulled out a finish. I know we had unseen family and friends helping us with small little miracles along the course that helped us get to the finish. Too many to think of and name, but in the moments they happened, we knew. For instance when Jenn slipped and fell but came out with no injury. I'm gonna pray for that lottery ticket because I am determined I will take my Marines to UTMB in France before my journey of running 100 milers is complete. Out of 300 starters, there was only 184 who got to the finish, of which only 22 were women so I'm proud to have made it. I was so happy my friend Matt finished, beat me by several hours, and Amy finished strong with 10-ish minutes on me.
Jason got me some cold hot dogs, amazingly my stomach felt great so once we got to the hotel and I had a hot bath, ate 2 giant hot dogs and we got a few hrs. sleep before hotel checkout. My feet were definitely stage 1 trench foot which would explain the extra stinging pain I experienced. In all the rain I didn't have a minute to change socks or lube my feet. The downhills crushed my toes so have 4 big black toes with blisters under the nails. Painful, but it seemed like a moot point because I had my buckle and my qualifier! We dropped Jenn off at the train station in the middle of some weird Harry Potter-fest, lol, then I slept the two hours home and another 15 on top of that! Definitely stiff and sore, my knee has a bit of ligament pain but I don't think anything serious.
Quick stop at Mcdonalds before dropping Jenn off in the middle of a Harry Potter convention to catch the train lol.
So grateful #57 is done. This upcoming weekend I've got a road 100 at Buckeye 200, a straight shot along the WV/Ohio border ending at Lake Erie. Because it's part of a 200 mile out and back, I have 72 hrs. to complete it, lol. I could walk and be just fine, but I'll run it and hope for just a nice 30 hr. checklist buckle before I run #59 at No Business later in October, then Warrior 100 at the Marine Corps Marathon. Once I get through this big push and campaign for military & veteran suicide awareness with Wear Blue, the Warrior 100, I'll likely back down to just 1 race a month again, ha! I have really pushed the #'s this year in progress and I'm pretty happy about that!
As always, remembering my sweet son PFC James Dexter Morris
and honoring LCPL Jake Crewson
Sgt Jacob Gray SSgt Taylor L Wilson
PFC Morgan Daly Jenn & Nate
Breathless and breathtaking. I don't know how you keep getting stronger, and to hope for a lottery ticket to the UTMB race (I had never heard of before) would seem insane! But then again Rosie, with your fortitude and Jason's tireless support, and your pacers, and Dexter's spirit, and all of the families that you run for, I know you will somehow make it happen. You, Rosie, are a force of nature to be reckoned with! Keep on running, but maybe baby those feet for a little while ;-) All the best to you and your (extended) family!