Running as a suicide survivor
Psychiatrists say surviving a child's suicide is a trauma akin to being a concentration camp survivor. There is truly no other pain that can compare to this kind of catastrophic loss. I was lucky to have been training for my first 100 mile ultra marathon before we lost Dexter because running, music, prayer,...those were the things that kept me alive through the first weeks and months as a suicide survivor. I failed my first 100 attempt miserably, unable to go forward after 60 miles. It was a life changing moment for me. I'd never experienced a complete mental, emotional and physical shutdown where literally your brain tells you that you can't move forward another single step. It helped me to wrap my mind around the pain that my son felt, causing him to take his own life. He could not move forward another single step. Having completed 100 milers 5 now, I do know that we can figuratively keep moving one step forward at a time even through our darkest hours. It's this idea that has kept me running to find healing and relief from grief and post trauma, and has given me the desire to use my love of running and my love of Dexter for suicide awareness, mental health awareness and to help #stopsuicide
Can't do without!
GoSleeves knee compression
Liquid IV, Nesquick
My running History
I was a fairly overweight, large chested girl in high school. I used to skip PE because I was so self conscious about my body and had zero coordination or athletic ability. I did LOVE to dance, so my favorite pass time as a teenager was church dances with great music. I married at age 18 and had 6 children. Throughout my pregnancies I roughly gained and lost about 300 lbs! I topped 200lbs after Dexter was born! When my first marriage ended after my 6th child, I started running 2 miles a day on a completely flat sidewalk to the grocery store and back. Over the next 15 yrs I gradually increased to 4 miles a day, just for exercise and to manage my weight and a binge eating disorder. I remarried in 2003 and we had two more wonderful sons! My husband Jason was in the Navy so I loved traveling and running in new places! In 2015 Jason and I participated in a trail Ragnar with his company and I fell in love with trail running! I ran my first half marathon that same year. I was running about 40 miles a week when a good friend challenged me to run a marathon with her. It sounded impossible! In early 2017, Dexter self - admitted to the ER for having a suicide plan, and as he laid in the hospital bed he challenged me to sign up for the marathon. That year sadly began his quick descent towards his death. There were a myriad of unbelievable mental health and legal challenges which ended with Dexter being fully diagnosed with the somewhat rare condition of Bipolar1 & Schizoaffective disorder. Throughout that year to deal with the emotional stress I ran longer and longer distances and soon found myself signing up for my first 50k, before my first official marathon! I ran two 50 milers that same year and signed up for my first 100 mile race the month before Dexter passed away, Feb 25, 2018. Shortly after I made that first 100 attempt and did not finish, ending at mile 60. I jumped into another race 6 weeks later and finished my first 100 mile ultra, Lighthouse 100. I made two more attempts that year, finishing at 89 miles and 72 miles because of mud and rain. They were all great training experiences and I started 2019 with the goal to finish every race I entered in Dexter's memory, unless I was pulled off the course. That led to a 1st place age group finish at Blackbeards Revenge in March, returned and finishing my first attempt at the C&O Canal 100 in April, ran Viaduct 100 in June, and Tuscazoar 100 in August. The last race was kind-of a life changing experience for me because it was so dang tough and it was after that race I felt prompted and inspired to pursue the goal of running 100 100s in Dexter's memory and for veteran suicide awareness. Being out in the woods or alone through the night in an ultra is a spiritual experience for me and I also have felt my son with me so many times that I just feel drawn to return again soon after every race to the challenge, pain and satisfaction of doing something to keep Dexters memory alive and to be his feet and use his beautiful life and soul to help others. I also joke with my kids that I still love to dance but with 2 left feet and well into middle age, good music and Ultrarunning is my equivalent. I pray to have the health and strength to do these 10,000 miles for my baby boy. Forever 23.