"You are an overcomer, born with a lion heart
You can pass through the wind and the fire But it'll help you to shine even brighter, like the jewel you are.
You are strong, strong enough to make it through Whatever comes, you'll be amazed what you can do You're a force, you're a fighter, A precious daughter of God
And He made you strong."
Bawled my eyes out to this song on the way home from KOW 100 this weekend. It just said it all.
Coming off a total high after EH 100, I felt like a #20 buckle was in the bag and that I could get it done in April.. A huge milestone. 1/5 of the way to 100. What once felt like a nearly impossible lifetime task becomes imaginable with 20 out of the way! I have my sites on Ute 100 in August and want a buildup of difficulty. Sadly not many races were open to jump into before the month of April was over. I found KOW and though it didn't have much advertised elevation, was a seemingly well supported race with 20 5 mile loops. For $100 was totally worth registering and I thought, at least it was trail. It wouldn't be much for getting me ready for Ute, but I could pull out that #20. Famous last words... the elevation ended up being close to 13k and with a monsoon -like rain for 12+hours, it ended up being a 40+ hour slog. I've never spent that much time out on a course and it was mentally taxing, With Utes 40 hour cutoff, this ended up being some of the best training I could have gotten.
This was my 3rd hundred attempt in a months time. Jason was a bit burned out so I decided to go solo, drive down to South Carolina and back by myself. With the start/finish aid station & my tent and supplies every 5 miles I figured I would be fine on my own. Had a good friend offer to drive down from Ohio and crew me but I was honestly excited for the adventure and achievement of going it alone.
I left Virginia at 4 am after 4 hrs of sleep. Too much race anxiety. Arrived around noon & appeared to be the first runner at the camp. Set up my own tent & awning, making me feel all hard core, haha. Taped the legs, ate some lunch and planned to nap for 3-4 hrs. I only managed 2 hrs, with all the other runners arriving and music playing. I would pay for lack of sleep later, but with a 7pm start my brain wouldn't turn off.
I met a couple of runners before the race. 2 crew members Taylor and Sarah who were camped next to me that ended up helping me tremendously, and Jose who competes in world championship spartan ultras, he ended up being a race friend as we had about the same pace going through this course and met in front of the party fire almost every loop.
I had mixed feelings about the course running that first loop. I was doing fine time for a trail, but I expected that with so little elevation I'd be able to run most of it...but it was a constant up & down, twists and turns, hidden rocks and roots. After Endurance Hunters long steep climbs, sweeping vistas, long fast descents, this trail felt closed in and tight and a little bit suffocating. It really was mostly runnable but I just couldn't get into any kind of running groove. I didn't start with my poles and took 2 hard falls on my first loop! I was pissed when I thought I jacked up my hip /handstring on one of the falls but luckily it numbed out. After I finished the first loop, I grabbed my trekking poles and headed back out slower and with less ego. I told Jason I wasn't going to rush through and get injured...I just needed to not worry about pace and take every little section as it came, be in the present as much as possible. Run when I can, hop rocks, hike, whatever the moment required. With the change in attitude and deciding to respect the trail and distance, I settled into a comfortable pace as the night hit. Cranking out the miles to Sabaton and Imagine Dragons through the forest alone at night was just so awesome. I kept thinking how much I love this sport and that what I was doing at that moment was quite possibly my most favorite thing in the world. During my second loop out of nowhere I developed a stabbing pain in the front of my shin. A wierd random pain I have never had and it really hurt on every downhill. I was legitimately concerned with it hurting so much barely into the race. I gave Jason a call and asked him if he could ask our friends & fam to pray for me. After rubbing on some arthritis cream, it disappeared and thankfully didn't bother me at all after that. <3
I thought it was too early for hallucinating but I swear I saw this 3 foot tall cat at the halfway point of every loop. :-D We grew to have a love-hate relationship.
Its hard to keep track in my head of where I was at with each loop...but I was someplace after 30 miles when morning came, and with it, steady rain. and more rain. And more rain. The type of trail and elevation and rain was reminiscent of Devil Dog 100 in 2019 when I DNF'd due to hypothermia. With more experience under my belt I was determined this wouldn't happen. This course in the rain was much worse though, I think. Roughly 50 runners, all doing the same 5 miles over and over again, in mud. Then add in the 50 miler runners Saturday morning and throughout the day also covering the same 50 miles...it turned into what the race directors properly predicted, a "sh** show." I put on moms yellow raincoat and a hat for the day and plugged on.
It took until almost 7 pm to hit the 60 mile mark, slogging through the slippery mud. The girls next to my campsite were crewing for the lead runner. She was always about 10 miles ahead of me. They offered to crew me too, for which I was sooo grateful. Every loop they asked what I needed, and most importantly they kept my thermos full of boiling water so that I could have hot ramen. It really helped keep the cold off. They also refilled my headlamps with fresh batteries for the coming evening.
Its just really hard to describe the effort it takes to run in slick mud, especially on the clay sections where the trail turns to peanut butter. You can still pull out a decent jog, but any climb or descent becomes a bit treacherous. Pictures can never do it justice! Some fresh 50 mile runners through the day would hurry past me, but I wasn't going to risk turning an ankle in those conditions. Even though it was around 48 degrees, the cold began to take its toll. After so many miles your body is struggling to stay warm and it it gets harder to take in enough calories to both keep running and stay warm. Up until then I'd done pretty good on PB&J, pudding, fruit snacks, & homemade fruit leather but I could feel myself getting low. Also, I was soaked to the skin, even with a rain jacket, the sweat inside just made me completely wet. I put on a second coat and a rain poncho...not so much to stay dry which was impossible at this point, but to hope the layers would hold in some body heat. Gloves were useless because they were soaking wet. In my stuff I randomly had empty bread bags, so I put them on my hands instead of gloves and ran with those most of the day and well into the dark. Though my hands were still soaked the dead air inside actually kept my hands warm. Kudos to old school!
Sometime around 24 hrs the helpful crew with the first place female had quit the race and packed up and left. As the hours slipped by more and more tents were disappearing. I started relying on the actual race volunteers and they were absolutely fantastic. Making sure that I had hot water - broth, hot cocoa, food, snacks...anything they could help me with. Especially Jay one of the RD's and Pavel, a runner but a volunteer at this race. I wished they could help me more but my stomach was going south and I knew there wasn't much to do but keep going. Still, there was a lot of fun and encouragement. The start finish was under this huge pavilion and it was decorated with groovy lights and had a roaring fire and music blasting all night. It felt like such a party. Every time I finished a loop exhausted, being there with the volunteers revived me and I didn't hesitate to keep going. Especially after triple packs of hot chocolate to warm me up! I was also super impressed that all the race staff were lined up with chairs at the finish line and cheering for you every time you came through. It was super caring and made you feel like a champ. I gotta say in my top 3 favorite races for runner support. Before the rain I was on target for a 30 hour finish. By 100k I was looking at missing the race cutoff completely. That was discouraging but I determined to go as far as I could.
Finally into the evening the rain let up. I was going on 30 hrs with no sleep so things got more difficult. Luckily I'd overstocked hot hands, so I kept a few down my shirt and in my bread bag gloves and managed to stay away from a low body temp and shivering. In these long dark hours still going through the thrashed muddy course I tried to spend time thinking of the boys I was running for and praying for their families. I admit lots of tears through these hours. I thought of Taylor and Jacob and especially Dexter...at one point I had a very distinct thought, "I'm here too" from Nate Dogg. His angelversary was the start of my race on 4-23. At that moment I looked down and saw a bright big white heart rock on the trail. I think that was a clear a hello as any I've ever had. <3 My son Jacob gave me some new music to try, Dragon Force... the lyrics to one song went to my heart for me and especially for Jacob Gray's mom.
When you're trudging through the dark and sobbing. "In the land of a thousand souls we will carry on through the rain In the sun we will move along with the memories of the slain When I see this humanity and the evil that they have come to be We've come to the point of no return and you beg for just...
One more time to escape from all this madness One more time to be set free from all this sadness And one last time to be the one who understands My soul and my spirit will go on, for all of eternity"
.....
Man, that chokes me up still.
Coming up on mile 70. I was completely cold and exhausted and I just couldn't eat or drink anything. My usual tricks weren't really working out. I was praying for help just to make it back to the start finish, thinking I would call it done. I laid down on the trail and closed my eyes and just tried to find some ounce of energy to get back up again. About this time 3 younger men found me and asked if they could help. I told them my stomach was just really off and I was going to lay there for awhile. They wouldn't let me, one was finishing up his first 100 miler and he said his stomach was off too, and we could walk to the finish together. So, they helped me off the ground and I stumbled along in this dizzy nauseous fog with 3 strong looking men, 2 in front and one in back. They asked me about the Marines I was running for. It turns out they also did events for veteran suicide awareness and were connected to the military somehow which I couldn't catch in my altered mind state.
I will never forget the image of jogging it in with these guys. 2 were tall and lean, one slightly shorter with a heavier build, me struggling in the middle of them while they happily chatted about special forces and drill sergeants and running. . In my mind I imagined this is what it must look like when my angels run with me. When I told Jason about it he said I should ask the RD if these guys were actually really racers or if I did see angels! haha <3 But anyway, regardless, the fact that these 3 came along and helped me through my first really big low is a little miracle. And so kind...the fellow finishing his 100 wasn't worried about his time, he was more worried about getting me back to the aid station. I really believe this sport attracts the best kind of people. <3
Back at the AS I collapsed on the ground in front of the fire. I didn't want to tell anyone I was quitting, but I didn't know how I could keep going. I knew with the shape I was in, I wouldn't finish in time. Pavel at the AS was trying to figure out something to help and I think he might have been willing to force feed me a cup of ginger ale if I hadn't finally drank the one he gave me. haha. It was about that time I think when the RD Matt said that there wasn't going to be a race cutoff, that I could keep going and finish. He said just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Even if you have to sleep on the side of the trail, just do it. Do whatever it takes. That got me. I realized if I wanna be in the 100 100s club, currently only 18 people in the world, then I gotta do the hard things. I asked Pavel for one more drink and though I hate ginger ale with a passion, I gulped down a cup and had him refill my bottle 50/50 water to ginger ale and went back out.
The next couple hours are fuzzy. I had a strong mile or two ...I'd been warned of another rainstorm coming through....and it was no joke. I swear the heavens opened up and it was a deluge. The trail had drained somewhat through the evening and was more runnable, but not after this round. I think the whole loop was flooded. There couldn't have been many runners left, I think the majority had dropped out. I felt really bad, Jose the guy 'Id met at the start, really wanted us to stick together for some loops for safety but I just really want to be alone when I'm in my pain cave, not to mention having female issues... so we caught up at the fire but I didn't wait to run together.
I really cant even remember these miles. I do remember I was desperate to take a nap I was so exhausted going on about 40 hrs of no sleep. I started looking for places that I could lay down, a rock, a fallen tree, a patch of dirt, but literally everything was flooded. I flipped off hallucination kitty, and staggered thru the dark till I reached the picnic table which was at exactly mile 3/5. The table was wet but it was off the ground. I curled up on it and tried to sleep. I felt my body temp was getting pretty low on the verge of shivering and felt warned that if I didn't get up and move I could get hypothermia, so after just 2 minutes of sleep, kept going. At one point of climbing the mile long steep hill in the loop, now a slick mess of slippery mud, I could see the road going back to the campground and I knew if I went maybe 50 yards through the woods, I could be on asphalt and just walk in and be finished with the misery. Stupidly or stubbornly I stuck to the trail.
When I dragged in at 80 miles sometime past midnight I asked if I just took a short nap if I could keep going afterwards. They said yes so I got to my tent and stripped down and got into my warm sleeping bag. My feet and hands were totally macerated. Everything outside the tent was soaking wet but luckily the rain stayed out of the tent itself. The music was blasting but I was so tired I didn't care. I took some bonine (anti nausea stuff) and it makes me sleepy, so after I was able to keep down half a bag of mustard pretzels, got in about 2-3 hrs of sleep. Before I fell asleep I called Jason and told him I might be late coming home. I said if they will let me keep going, I would. I just couldn't quit 20 miles from 100 after all I'd been through. He was super supportive and he told me Jeremey my favorite angel RD from Tuscazoar 100 said that they wanted their race to be my 100th, and to keep going, that I wasn't allowed to quit. That made my final decision not to drop out. I woke up and in the cold rubbed A&D ointment all over my feet & hands, put on arthritis and pain cream and dry clothes. It was tough getting out of the warm bag and putting on my wet coat & shoes. Everyone was seemingly asleep but Jay one of the RD's, he said I could keep going for sure, so I popped a caffeine pill& headed back out into the night. I was a moving faster after the nap and the trail had drained so I thought I'd be able to make decent time, but my challenges weren't over yet.
First, the early morning cold really got to me. I started shivering and wasn't sure what I could do, I even had hot hands still going. All of a sudden I had a very clear reminder in my mind that I had an emergency blanket tucked into my pack. I've never used one before and really had forgotten I even had it. When I took off my pack I saw Taylors smiling face from my pack in the headlamp light and felt like he was saving my butt again, hah! I tied it on like a cape and around my waist and put my pack back on. It helped me warm right up. It was such a chilly morning that I wore it 3/4 of the remaining laps.
I could feel I was starting to get nauseous again so I just really started praying that I could hold it off. I tried drinking the gingerale in my bottle but I ended up throwing it up. That actually settled my stomach so I was able to keep going. I just tried to get hyper focused and plow through those last 20 miles. The sun eventually dried out some of the trail in the morning and with it, my stomach turned. I was super worried because I'd gone about 12 hrs with nothing to eat or drink that I could keep down. About then I had a very quiet thought come to me...put candy between your teeth and gums. I really felt like that was a suggestion from Jacob because when I feel him its always quiet and simple and direct. It was the thing that got me through the last 10 miles. That and ginger chews, both tucked up into my gums. I couldn't really taste them and I wasn't chewing or swallowing so I had no gag reflex, but it was enough of a trickle of sugar that my blood sugar didn't dip too low. I remember climbing a steep muddy hill, President Nelsons quote from LDS General Conference... "The Savior is never closer to you than when you are facing or climbing a mountain with faith." It reminded me it was Sunday morning so I did a zoom call into church. Just as I was dialing in I saw a pretty little white heart sitting alone in the trail. I've been saving little white ones for Moms grave. I felt like I had a big hug and that mom was with me while I listened to church for a little while, trying to survive those last miles. At one point I was overwhelmed with exhaustion again and laid down, praying for help to just get this finished. I felt like I had nothing left. The sun had come out and now it was too warm! As I laid on the ground looking up at the blue sky through the trees, on the wind I could hear music from back in camp, and it just happened to be a Dexter song.
"Well you forgave and I won't forget.... Raise my hands,
paint my spirit gold...Cause I will wait, I will wait for you"
I tried just for a moment to feel him close.
I put my feet in the air for about 5 minutes, and right about then a mountain biker came by and asked if I was ok. He didn't leave until he made sure I was up off the ground and ok to keep going. His name was Andrew and he was super nice.
I was still pondering on the fact that I might just die before I finished. I felt Dexter point out a coffin shaped rock to me that made me laugh. Fine, I wont die. But help me finish.
Finally, my last lap. I decided to make peace with my demons...
my Peter face
Hypothermia picnic table.
There was a creek right near here that I filled my bottles with, and dumped down my shirt and over my head to cool off. Ironic after all that rain that I was purposely getting myself wet!
I knew there were 3 other runners still out besides me, so I started praying for each of them, that they would also be safe and be able to finish. <3 I was choking up about every little thing, crying over songs, crying over the 3 guys from the night before, crying over the RDs getting me back out, crying over Pavels nasty ginger ale, just feeling grateful and overwhelmed that this nightmare would be over in 2 miles. less than mile left...the sweepers had removed the signs and suddenly I was at a crossroad and didn't know which way I was supposed to go! I was not happy! Are you serious? Of course I would get lost a mile from the finish!
I ran up and down both trails a few yards to try and find shoe prints but the rain had washed everything away. I called Jason crying. I had no idea which trail would take me to the finish. Jason tried to pull up the park online and I just didn't know what to do...right then Andrew the biker came around the corner on his bike. Heaven sent biker angel! He directed me to the route back to the final gravel road to the finish. I was sooo grateful, that I just forgot everything and jogged to the finish. Most everything was cleaned up at the aid station but the timing mat was still up and I was absolutely elated. It took a ridiculous amount of time but I'm not even embarrassed about that because the conditions were very hard and I felt like I really earned this #20!!! Matt the RD and Sherri one of the volunteers were still there. We cheered in the final two runners behind me, and that was super awesome to give them a good hooray! Turns out Jose was just 10 minutes behind me. I was super excited that he'd stuck it out and gotten his first 100, and also slightly proud of myself that I finished before a spartan world champion, haha. Good job Jose!
#20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After all those hours of not eating anything, amazingly Sherri gave me some of her cold grilled chicken and apples and they stayed down, and I immediately felt better. She was the absolute sweetest, totally taking care of me, making sure I had everything I needed, gave me her race shirt (I'd wanted to get one but they'd been all packed away) and she and Matt helped me load up my tent & awning and crap into the car.
& oh yeah, I got 3rd place female! This was legit because I know there were like 22 women signed up to run. I think most quit. Only like 20% of the runners finished this course.
Was sooo exhausted and had a 7 hour drive to get home. After a few burgers, fries, caffeine drinks , a bang energy drink and a 20 minute nap in the sleeping bag at a random creepy gas station, managed to drive myself safely home.
I'm just walking on air. So happy to have this #20! Jason rewarded me with an early mothers day present of a custom shelf for buckles! He and the boys had had a game night and chinese food Saturday night, and they saved me their fortunes from the cookies. Very appropriate! <3
You can see the little coffin right by Dexters picture, haha. Even from the spirit world we still share a warped sense of humor. <3
I'm really so grateful for the chance to be just a small voice for these heroes. Life is so hard being a suicide survivor and I hope with their help, that maybe we can help someone else who may be suffering. 22 too many.
Nate
Jacob G's great smile
Dexter & mom <3
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