This race struck fear in my heart. Last year I DNF'd due to hypothermia. I was scared of the cold. However, I did not want this race to beat me. I wanted this buckle for Dexter. I got out into the mountains 2-5 days a week in the cold winter mornings to overcome my fear and get adapted to cold weather. This might not sound like a big deal but in some ways running outdoors in the cold was as hard as my actual race. With the holidays coming it was like I could see a tsunami of grief coming and threatening to engulf me. My doctor put me on a mild antidepressant to get through the holidays after Dexters birthday completely wiped me out. It helped me get out of bed in the morning and get out into the cold. I wanted this buckle so much. There is a Marine Corps Marathon and a 50k that are officially USMC but no 100miler. Devil Dog, run in Prince William park near the Quantico Marine base was as close as I could get. Both the Marines and the CIA I believe, used to train in this forest. It looks beautiful and benign but there are rocks & roots everywhere and the weather can be unpredictable. Last year I dropped after 12 hrs of drenching rain. This year temps were moderate during the day and the ground was dry so I was hopeful going into it...but I definitely underestimated the roots & rocks hidden under inches of leaves. There were very few places where you could just get into running mode and zone out. You had to stay alert and looking at the ground for 80% of the miles on this race.
This was Race #7. Phew. I did a lot of treadmill miles on bitter cold windy weather days, looking at Dexter's picture taped on the machine for inspiration. As I looked at it during so many training miles, I thought about the number 7. My life changed when Dexter was 7. I reflected on that a lot training for this race. His 7th year of life. For some reason it just kept coming back to me crystal clear. It was the year I got divorced from my first husband. It was the year I started running. It was the year I met Jason. Around age 7 looking back, I believe Dexter was already exhibiting early symptoms of his mental illness. He was a normal boy but he was extremely sensitive, prone to depression and anxiety. Any change of his schedule, meeting new people, instruction from his parents, he would break down or get really angry. Because of that & really, because he had those symptoms and that behavior since he was a fussy baby, he never really bonded to his natural father until after we got divorced. At the time as I pondered my choice of becoming a single mom, one of my driving forces was that I wanted Dexter to have a man in his life who would understand his very masculine personality, anger management issues, and who would be a strong role model. Dexter came into this life practically carrying a weapon. As a kid he already wanted to be a warrior. He'd wear his Hercules shirts and carry his “Nephite” swords everywhere. He always wanted to “battle” I know from his Patriarchal Blessing (something we have in our church) that he was a Warrior in heaven before he came to this earth, and he definitely had that fighting, independent, freedom seeking spirit. Soon after I decided to become a single mom I started praying for a good father to come into Dexter's life, and that man was my husband Jason. We have had a tough time since Dexter's suicide...the emotions are just enormous and men & women process grief so differently that a childs death is probably the worst thing that can happen to a marriage, but we managed to stay afloat and keep working to stay close. This #7 race training gave me an opportunity to reflect on how many times Jason was there for Dexter during his life, from helping him see a counselor when he started taking drugs to self medicate as a teenager, to tough guy military dad understanding and support when Dexter decided to become a Marine, bailing him out of trouble when he wrecked several cars and got into debt he couldn't handle, to weekly jail and hospital visits as Dexter's life spiraled into a living hell and he developed full blown onset of bipolar & schizophrenia. When all the physical support dissapeared a few weeks after the funeral, Jason kept everything going in our household while I mourned, just trying to not follow Dexter into the grave. I don't mean to start a race report off with this but as I watched him this weekend out in the cold, running around trying to meet me, doing everything he could think of to get me to the finish line, I just felt so grateful that he came into mine and Dexter's life, when Dexter was 7...and I started running that 2 mile sidewalk run from my house, to food 4 less, and back. Thank you Jason for being a Dad, my husband, my financier, my eternal companion and my race crew. <3
I had the honor of carrying a Marine for this race, for “22 too many” a veterans suicide awareness group. Sgt Taylor Wilson. Also the name of Joseph Lee Eldridge, son of a dear friend who was also a suicide victim. Was a chill morning in the 30s and as we started I put my music onto shuffle and hit the trails. The leaves were deep hiding rocks and roots everywhere. The “push” pressure from runners behind and in front of me had my heart rate through the roof and that anxiety and HR didn't dissipate until almost 20 miles when the crowd of 250-ish runners cleared out and I could get into my groove. The first 3 songs that hit my player was God bless America, then the Marine Corps Hymn, and then a song called “Ill go where you want me to go.”
It may not be on the mountain’s height,
Or over the stormy sea;
It may not be at the battle’s front,
My Lord will have need of me...
But if by a still, small voice He calls,
To paths that I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in Thine,
I’ll go where You want me to go. ...
O Savior, if Thou wilt be my guide,
Though dark and rugged the way,
My voice shall echo Thy message sweet,
I’ll say what You want me to say....
Ill go where you want me to go”
It was the combination of those 3 songs, starting out, that flooded my heart with the Spirit. So grateful to God for the message that came to my heart. That my Marine boys and Joey were with me, and that God accepted my running as service to Him. Since Dexter's death I have a very difficult time being around people, unless they are very deeply interested in my son, my sheep or my running. Otherwise small talk is like grating cheese of awkwardness and pain over my soul. I haven't had a job at church since Dexter died either. I've only taken care of myself and my family. Sometimes my heart gets wracked with guilt that I'm not “serving”....there's always that pressure to serve and I have no desire to interact with humans in person most days. There was the something about this song, like an answer to those feelings in my heart, that my path of service in life looks different now, that I can minister to other wives and mothers who have lost their child or husband. I can carry the names, I can pray for them. I knew I'd get to the finish.
Jason gave me a prayer/blessing for my knee and hip recently and had a few answers to my prayers in that...that my goal to run 100 races for suicide awareness was a goal sanctified by the Lord and I would be able to achieve it, if I let my mind, heart and spirit work together to accomplish it. I thought a lot about that on the trail. When it got hard I tried to lean into my spirit and into the Lords Spirit, and tried to drawn on the feelings from Dexter and Sgt Wilson and Joey... and used that as my focus point to take my mind off the pain. I was super happy my left knee and hip that hurt right up to the start line didn't give me a single bit of pain the entire race! Talk about a miracle!
The first 2 loops... boy I felt slow. The leaves were several inches thick covering rocks and roots, so you couldn't take any step for granted except on the small stretch of gravel road about 6 miles into the loop. That was where I did most self care because I could run and mess with my pack or text Jason or do whatever I needed to without tripping. Otherwise the entire rest of the race I was staring at the ground looking for rocks & roots. The sorest part of my body post race is shoulders and neck! With about 30 minute variance I did all 5 loops in almost the same amount of time. As the runners went around the course the leaves got trampled making footing easier, but the constant ups and downs and wonky steps from landing wrong on rocks & roots took its toll so when the trails cleared up by loop 5, legs were too trashed to make use of it. The real challenge though was the cold. Daytime was fine...40s, sunny....my mood was high! The winter in the forest was stunning! So much of the course was near running water, small waterfalls, with bridges, and leaves covering the forest, deer...just beautiful. (when I looked up to see it, haha) but as soon as the sun set, the crystal clear skies dropped temps down into the 20s. Now, that's not a bad temp to run in at home, dressing right, you can be perfectly warm. After running for 12 hours, your body stops regulating temperature like a normal person haha, so you have to be really careful to not get hypothermia. I learned that hard last year. I had 5 layers of shirts on during the day, and added a jacket at night. I had hot hands in my gloves and 4 packs of hot hands stuffed down my shirt. My legs and arms were cold and my thumbs were ice, trying to hold onto my trecking poles but overall I am super proud of how I handled that cold! Usually I am shivering if it drops below 76 degrees haha, but I didn't get the shivers once during the race. There was cold dew that settled onto my hat and gloves so I had to change 3x into a dry hat and gloves. By the second loop the air was so cold that my lungs were burning, trying to breath. Luckily I'd found a nice camo buff on the Appalacian Trail a few weeks before, and because I'm a scrounge I took it home haha. It was a nice, fit, not too tight, so I put it around my neck going into the night. Also matched my warmed pair of camo gloves. :-D I wore it over most of my face to breath through and it helped a lot. It was so cold that on the outside the buff got frosty from the moisture of my breath. My eyes were also watering from the cold and I got little frosty eyelashes. My feet never got cold even in just 1 layer of socks. Xoskins, I didn't get a single blister! My legs were pretty cold but I decided that was a blessing, like using an ice pack for 12 hours hah. Luckily I've been taking lots of ice baths so I got used to the cold numbness and I think it really helped with my joints...it did make my legs a little harder to move being cold. The soda in my water bottle had ice crystals forming. The cups of soda at the aid stations were freezing over. The volunteers at Devil Dog this year were outstanding. I can't imagine sitting out in that cold all night filling water bottles, making sure people had the food they wanted. What a HUGE act of service to runners. I was so grateful! They were cheering so much and remembered my name as I went through multiple times.
I got pretty drowsy through the second night loop, (mile 60-80ish) and mildly hallucinated seeing what I thought was a wolf but was just a stubby deer, and a yeti which was a downed tree haha. Also I thought I kept seeing the bridge at the 11 mile mark on the loop. I think I must have been driving my pacer crazy the last loop thinking I was seeing the bridge and pointing it out a dozen times, haha.
Towards the end of the 3rd loop through the night was the real low point of my race. I still had 40+ miles to run. the cold was really setting in, the sun was down for 14ish hours of running in the dark, and all the negativity settled on my shoulders. I was afraid of the even colder temperatures to come. My feet were starting to ache. I still had 2 1?3 loops ahead of me, I was going too slow so doing the math, I didn't think I'd come in under the cutoff at 32 hours, I stopped wanting to eat food but my body was burning through more calories in the cold...wondering how I'd handle my nutrition, Was I going to fail Dexter and Sgt Wilson and Joey by not finishing this race? If I can't finish this, how can I possibly finish Ute 100 or meet my goal of 100 races!? I still had to go through the final stretch of crappy hard steep and rocky trail 3 x and I didn't want to do it, I hate winter, why am I doing a winter race? I am going to let Jason down and that'd be the second time with this particular race that I dropped.
This self doubt and discouragement lasted for an hour or two...but I kept on plodding. I finally just had to mentally take control of my thoughts, pray hard and ask God to strengthen me with the will I need to push until either they pulled me from the course or I got my buckle. As soon as I prayed and turned my race over to God, I felt a warm tingle all over like a hug and these words came into my mind with a forceful clarity “You are so tough Mom. You are going to do this. I am proud of you”
I cried and cried and for a little while just had the feeling that Sgt Wilson and Dexter were Marine buddies now in heaven and they were going to help me finish the race. From that point on any time I felt the discouragement creeping in, I made myself think about Sgt Wilsons family and what I would write in a letter to them.
Because I had Sgt Wilson on my back I had a few encounters with half a dozen people who asked me about his picture and I was able to tell them about his life, his 3 deployments in service to our country, that he left behind a wife and young son and that he and my son Dexter had lost their lives to suicide. I made a wonderfully sweet friend Heather, a US Marine, who was running her first hundred, who ran her first marathon in memory of a friend who she lost to suicide. We had some good hours together in the dark then lost each other on the course. She found me again later and asked if she could stick with me in the dark. It was kindof right when I was going through all my self doubt so I told her of course, we could keep each other company but that I wasn't going to talk because I was kind of heading into that pain cave. Every ultra runner is different. Some people draw energy from talking to other runners, I draw mine from digging deep inside to meditation prayer and music to get through. So we didn't talk much and later she flew past me and got an awesome finish time, but seeing her headlamp behind me was comfort through the night and I was so happy to hug her at the finish! :) Another guy asked me about my Marines. He was retired Army. He said he was grateful I was out running for suicide awareness, that he'd been there...both wanting to take his life and as an officer, writing letters to families who had lost a son and soldier to suicide. We shared a couple tears. It was a special experience.
I'd heard that the legend, Karl Meltzer was running Devil Dog. He is an amazing world class runner whose won countless 100s and held the record for fastest Appalachian Trail finish for a couple years. I thought he blew past me twice on the 2nd and 3rd loop. It may have been another runner, I'm still waiting to hear if he actually turned up and ran it...but this dude could have been him, tall, lean, rugged, flying over technical trail like a speedgoat... He passed me shortly after my crisis and my angel visit. As he went over technical ground I could speed up and sorta catch up on the flat ground so I followed his headlamp for maybe 3 miles. I dunno if it was actually him but in my head I was all 'dude, I'm sharing a finish line with the Speed Goat. I am totally finishing this race. It was an awesome boost. :-D
I couldn't eat much after the second loop so loop 3,4 and 5 was run largely on gingerale, coke and root beer. I think this is where I finally started to see the benefits of running fat adapted. I never got nauseous. My stomach cramped a little I think just from being empty. All the food just sounded distasteful. I did eat a handful of heavenly blueberries, half a banana, some mini milky ways, 4 or 5 orange slices, 2-3 cups of ramen in broth, a couple half sausages, a big bite into a dunkin donut with the jelly center, (that was the best, Peter!) and a cup of tater tots around mile 94 that were the best freaking tater tots cooked on a grill, that I've ever eaten in my life, haha. So good! I thought about how good those were for the last 2 hours! It sounds like a lot of food but figure for 60 miles in the cold... between that and just eating less to start out with when I'm usually shoving down food as fast as I can, I think I ran this race on probably half the calories I usually eat and had no stomach issues, and was still pulling out steady quicker climbs with bursts of energy on a few flat places. Mostly when my music jams that I share with Dexter and Peter came on... “whatever it takes, top of the world, I'm so sorry” ...yeah some people make fun of imagine dragons but I swear their music is like jet fuel in a race to me haha. There was another point in the race I started kindof run dancing to this awesome song and I could feel Dexter with me again and that we were just kindof singing and dancing and having a good time on the trail together. I just smiled and I felt like we were just hanging out there together. I dunno...some people might think its another ultra hallucination, but I know how his personality feels, and I'm just so grateful even though he died, that his spirit will still spend time with his mamma.
Jason and Peter crewed me this race as usual. Jason grabbed a BOQ at Quantico last minute so their hotel was just a few minutes away. They stayed up ALL night and met me at almost every single aid station... which is a huge sacrifice. Driving, waiting in the cold, all for a 2 minute hug and kiss and 'fill my bottle, give me candy, get me ramen, I love you, I need a dry hat & gloves, open this hot hands, thanks so much, see you soon' a quick kiss and goodbye.... short interaction with their wife and mom! I mean... honestly I can't say 100% that I'd be willing to do that for someone else, and they do it or me without hesitation, without me even asking. Its just sooo amazing. I win buckles but I think crew should get swag too cuz they make it all possible. <3 <3 <3 Jason even ran out a few miles to meet me at the 94 mile aid station but took the wrong trail, oops! But Peter was there and took good care of me and got me in and out of the AS fast.
I saw a lot of runners limping... way too easy to turn an ankle on this course so I didn't try to get too fast on any technical section. I need long term health. Even though my knee and hip gave me no trouble, my good knee got a solid pain under the knee cap on the downhills the 4th and 5th loop so I had to side step down the hills to spare impact. Hopefully nothing serious! I still have full range of motion but I may actually take a week or two off running just to make sure it's ok. Otherwise I didn't have any real trouble spots, just overall discomforts...every muscle even your skin starts to ache from effort. My neck and shoulders particularly because of staring at the ground.
Dawn was approaching coming into my last loop. Margaret my running friend from Tuscazoar, who would be pacing me had had a dead battery and luckily arrived seconds before I blew thru the aid station. I literally spent like 2 minutes there because I knew I couldn't stay long, the temptation to drop is just too great when you see that warm fire and know the overall pain and discomfort could just be all over with! But, I had hope with the sun coming up that it would get warmer and easier. She was wonderful company. I told her she is family now. Running 100 miles is sooo personal. You never know what your physical, mental or emotional state will be. I think she saw several swings from chatty, to irritated, to bawling over losing Dexter, to mildly hallucinating, to determined runner. She also had to endure 6 plus hours with me smelling horrendous haha. I was making myself sick just with the smell of the sweat and all that. Also (TMI you can skip reading if you are a Dude)- I was in the second half of my cycle so in a decent place hormone wise but still needed feminine supplies. I had them in my drop bags but every drop back stop adds like 5 minutes on to your time so I just started skipping the drop bags so I could keep running. This made the last 10 miles a bit nasty. I was telling Margaret about the world champ woman who had crapped her pants but kept running and went on to win the world record haha...so thankfully nothing that extreme but still, going beyond when you need a change isn't pleasant...but those last 15 miles were once in a lifetime, I wasnt going to risk not finishing to smell pretty or have 100% hygiene. Just part of the experience haha. So, sorry about that Margaret, lol!! Also, you know you have a lifetime friend when 2 minutes into your miles together they are keeping watch so you can pee by the side of the trail. It was a nice change to have a pacer, haha!
I had steady but exhausted energy that last loop, we ran past multiple people and I could just see that look of pain and discouragement on their faces, and I knew some of them were going too slow to make the finish time on that final loop. My heart! I know that feeling! Its the worst! Kept on going. I was hoping to do a sub 30 hour race so I was happy to finish in the 30 hour time frame. I've done 4 trail races ...one I don't really consider a trail because its mostly towpath, but out of the 3 solid legit trail runs I've done, No Business, Tuscazoar and now Devil Dog, I think they were equally hard for their own particular challenges but I made my best time at Devil Dog. I can't say I'd run this race again. That trail wasn't what I'd call enjoyable, especially for 5 loops. And, I hate winter. At the same time, bringing home a Marine Corps themed buckle made it sooo sweet, and the volunteers were tremendous. When I crossed the finish line they had a big crowd of volunteers and they were even cheering my name. As soon as I finished I just collapsed from exhaustion on the ground. It took a minute to register in my brain that I was done, and then I just started bawling because I'd finished the race for the boys. Dexter, Taylor and Joey. I just covered my face and cried and thanked Heavenly Father for helping me get through it. The race director gave me the hugest hug and it was just awesome.
Its sooo funny and typical for an ultra runner. I was hurting so much. I thought...why?? This is so tough!! I don't want to do this again. There's no way I can go through this 93 more times, it hurts too much! That lasted briefly and then I started thinking about my race strategy and drop bags for Long Haul in a Florida swamp next month. Icing my sore knee and praying its nothing serious. It was so fun at the finish to see a Dude dressed in an elf costume... I was like, oh yeah, its Christmas time! Now I can relax from racing for a few weeks, focus on my family and on the meaning of the season. The light and hope in Christ it brings. I don't want my only future relationship with my family, with Dexter, to be vague feeling of spirit that I have to piece together. I want to be together in person. I want to hug his big strong physical body and feel his musccular marine corps arms wrapped around his mamma. That would never happen again.ever. if it weren't for the birth of a Savior, who lived and then died so that we could be resurrected and have our physical bodies forever. It was funny cuz Margaret and I were talking about our stretch marks and I told her I used to want to have a tummy tuck because the post baby belly is kindof flabby and unattractive with stretch marks...I like how she called them battle scars. Now when I see them, I see the birth of my children. I see Dexter cuz honestly this 9lb 10 oz big ol baby boy gave me 90% of my stretch marks. They are a sign of his life and that I gave him life. And even though there are parts of me that the world might think aren't pretty... with all these races God has blessed me to run, giving me a physical body that is able to do hard things, I am so grateful for this body and I want it back in the resurrection. I wanna run a few miles in person with Dexter. I want him to hug me in real life and tell me he's proud of me. I know that will happen someday. <3 Anyway. Merry Christmas and thanks for reading! On to #8!
The is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255 If you find your ever having suicidal thoughts, please call or seek help from a friend, family member, or a doctor. Choose to stay, Be here tomorrow. We need you. If you'd like to donate to my gofundme or to a wonderful organization for suicide prevention and awareness, or need to find resources for help, please visit my donate page.
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