Going into my 69th 100 for military & veteran suicide awareness, feeling well trained and well rested, emotionally in a stronger place after the whirlwind of emotion February brought me, with Dexter's anniversary and losing Carter, up through March 3 when we buried him, I struggled with alot more sadness this year, feeling unsettled. It was my grief season, anyone who has lost a child will likely agree that it's not a single date on a calendar, Jan-March is kind of the peak of my grieving season. Sadly as I'm coming from that, it seems it's also the end of another season. My 20 year marriage.
For personal reasons and to respect both our privacy and to not cause harm to either of us, I am chalking it up to irreconcilable differences. Jason has been a huge help and support running these 100 milers, and I hope in the future we can find ways to work together to honor Dexter, but for now our paths are going separate ways. I've only just started to process what my life is going to look like going into the future, but regardless I don't plan on slowing down with my races or my cause and involvement with the amazing veteran support organizations I've been blessed to be associated with. Suicide leaves tremendous chaos in its wake, and collateral emotional damage that sometimes comes in the form of estrangements and broken families. I'm very sorry this has happened, but I have found peace I haven't felt in a long time. Peace with me. God has walked every step with me and made sure to let me know in clear and abundant ways that I am on a path right now that will be good for me, and assured me that my family will be okay.
Rabid Raccoon looked like a fairly simple non-technical trail course, 16k vert, 8 river crossings, runnable trails, I figured this would be more of a fun trail race without a lot of trouble. With the remote and technical Cherry Springs 110 about a month away I managed to get in some decent vert and an overnight trail marathon with difficult, wet hypodermic conditions, which ended up being perfect preparation for this race because it was, no joke, a total disaster, cold, muddy mess!
Kevin Silvey, my amazing friend / RD from Froggy Mountain 100 & really one of my best friends, who I just ran space pirate with, offered to come crew and pace my race since I really didn't have anyone. He's a notorious excellent crewman and friend to everyone, always helping other runners, so I was super grateful to have his help. His sister and her husband, Julia and Pierre, gold Star parents to PFC Dillon Jutras, don't live far from me, so they met up at my home and we had a fun afternoon visit chatting before we headed up to Pennsylvania. Kevin made some really great affordable arrangements for camping, with a mattress in back of the vehicle for him and a car topper tent for me.
On the drive up I had the most beautiful opportunity to meet up with a dear wonderful woman named Nancy who I'd met on FB during the initial invasion of Ukraine. We are both big fans of Zelensky and have been friends for 2+ years. I didn't know much about her, just that we seem to have similar hearts and had a special connection so it was such a treasure to meet in this little cafe with the wonderful backdrop of a Ukrainian cathedral and talk about racing and the war. She gifted me a book of her own poetry which was brilliant, brought tears to my eyes. Kevin is super outgoing and warm, and the three of us sitting at the table felt like we were all old cherished friends. It really made my day and was one of the best parts about going up to this race.
The weather turned cold as we got to packet pickup. The venue was huge, professional. I was impressed, and excited this race provides “stones” for qualifying for UTMB, so I knew it would likely have some level of unexpected difficulty to be considered a UTMB index race. It did not disappoint. My buddy Adam was up running the 100 as well with his new girlfriend. We hoped to meet up for dinner, but I was wiped out by 7pm and with a 4am race start, I had to get some sleep, waking up at 2:45!
I'd had a lot of emotional stress, anxiety and racing thoughts about my future all week. I wasn't getting enough sleep and I tossed and turned every night. Showing up at a start line tired is never a good thing, but my legs and feet felt fresh. It was fun to catch Adam and Christina at the start line and my awesome friend who's paced me to several 100s, Tracy, at the start. I really needed some solid alone time, so I planned to run my own race.
The morning was cold, in the 30's, but I was moving quickly and dropped my coat off after the first 2-3 miles. Really loved the first loop of the course. There was a lot of broad smooth lightly graveled trails and single track, pockets of sketchy sticky mud but I was just so happy to be out on the trail doing what I love, my boys on my pack, Dexter in my heart. He's been real close to me lately, and I really felt him with me and I felt like we exchanged some important thoughts. Adam and I ended up running a few miles together which was great. Hes a very good friend and he knew my life at the moment was in a bit of crisis mode, so he listened to me talk for awhile and we had some good conversation, but I eventually told him to go ahead, I really needed to focus and do some mental problem solving and praying.
I had 8 loops to run, approx 13-14 miles long with an icy cold river crossing each time. I was able to run most of the climbs during the day, they weren't too steep for the most part and the trail was good. Kevin met me at the end of each loop, using his scavenger skills and personal charm to glean real food off other crews for me, lol. So I ended up eating some amazing food, including some specialty sub sandwhich to die for, and not really digging into my own stuff much. Kevins such a cheerleader and motivator, he knows how to say just the right thing to get me steeled up for another round of effort, so it really made my day having his support. We'd had a chance to talk prior to the race about my current circumstances at home and he'd offered some good advice and was sensitive to the fact I had some things I was struggling with, it meant a lot to have a good friend to help me through this race.
The day was beautiful, the course was beautiful, I was in good spirits, making good time for a sub 30 hour finish. Aside from some muddy spots slowing me down, I felt strong and hopeful and that the race was in the bag.
That continued into the evening, until at some point, the rain started and the game changed. Completely. Once the sun went down I was really struggling to stay wake. In the dark the lack of sleep caught up with my brain and I was kindof in a zombie mode just trying to get to each aid station to chuck down a couple cokes to wake me up. I was able to pick up Kevin as a pacer as it started to get late, and about then it seems the rain kicked in. We ran close to 40 miles together. Kevin is a talker, so having him with me was so great. He doesn't just rattle off gossip or current events or social media drama, he talks about meaningful things and I was able to engage my mind and stay alert for a lot of miles. Some heavy rain kicked in late though, and it got really really cold. Usually I can move fast enough to stay warm for awhile, but we had to stop mid trail in the rain and get on all our rain gear. I put on a down jacket, the expensive shell my friend Amy had given me, and one of my rain – emergency blanket ponchos, hot hands in the bra and in the mittens with some waterproof mitten covers. It seemed a bit like overkill but it kept me just warm enough to keep off shivering so we could continue. Hypothermia was a real threat especially when the entire trail turned into s sloppy mudfest, slowing us down, and a frigid river crossing in the dark. Kevin helped me to feel strong like I could beat this race and any of the challenges I was facing in my life. It helped a lot. The sleepies caught up to me and at some point I had to lay down on the trail in some wet leaves and sleep for a few minutes. I just kind of collapsed onto the side of the trail. Kevin stood next to me and warded off the other runners who would come by to ask if I was okay. Just a 2 minute nap gave me enough sleep I could get into the main aid station. We took some time during those overnight hours at the aid station to regroup, and I crashed down on the floor in a dark corner to sleep for 10 minutes. I managed 5, but it was enough, I really didn't feel sleepy after that last nap and together we did 2 miserable muddy loops in the dark. I wish I had pics. It was just too wet and slippery to take them. Some of the trail you could barely find your footing, some was wet and squishy with water, much was sloppy pudding texture mud. It was not especially fun. At one aid station I tried to drink down several cups of gingerale, which my body rejected. I stepped outside the tent and vomited hours and hours worth of food up. Kevin grabbed onto me and kindof moved me away and partially up the trail as I'm trying to recover from vomiting. There was an ambulance parked there and he didn't want them to see me and end my race, lol. That was totally awesome of him. He knew finishing was priority and I know how to deal with vomiting. I puked all over my trekking poles, so Kevin washed them off with his own water bottle. So nice, lol. It was pretty disgusting.
Vomiting woke me up and I felt better, Kevins talking kept me awake and in fairly good spirits, I don't think I complained *too much, but dealing with the mud was a constant conversation. I was really relieved when the sky began to lighten, I hoped I could rally as the sun came up. I quieted down for awhile, I needed time on a Sunday morning to have my own ”church” where I like to listen to Sunday songs and things that make me feel close to the Lord as well as do some praying and soul searching. I really needed that this weekend. I need to know what my next steps into the future should look like.
Daylight definitely helped us navigate the course better. We ran into Adam at some point and shared a couple miles together. I swiped one of his muddy pics. Doesn't do the difficulty justice, but it's a taste.
The day warmed up a little and a breeze kicked in, the trail started to dry up so I was hopeful that our last loop would be a little easier. Kevin and I were talking and I dunno, out of the blue I got hit with the emotional brick. I rolled into the start of the last loop emotionally overwhelmed and I couldn't stop crying. A group of just the kindest ladies ever helped me into my seat at the main aid station and helped me rip off my shoes, dry my feet, get them lubed and covered with fresh dry socks, some ziplock bags to keep them dry for a little while, before putting my shoes back on. My feet had already been soaking wet for close to 30 hrs. Kevin is still dealing with some foot issues after terrible blistering at Space Pirate 100, so he had to take time to stop and tape his feet up. He arranged for me to have another one of those fantastic sandwiches and surprisingly I could eat it. After throwing up I really had no more issues with nausea which I was very grateful for. I was still crying while eating my sandwich and running, probably a pathetic sight, lol. I really cried hard for like 5 miles. I felt...alone, exhausted, defeated, and wondered if I would spend my entire life feeling like I would live inside my own head with the things I care most about. I've been 'alone' for a long time. It's hard to explain. As I rolled into the second to last aid station, one of the guys volunteering there, some kind of Christian minister, he saw me crying and he put his arms around me and ran with me for a few moments and said a prayer over me. It was so powerful and heartfelt, the kind of prayer I've needed someone to wrap me in for years. Here I was at mile 90+ unexpectedly, when I needed it. We aren't the same denomination, but it was so gentle and kind and sincere, it helped me know that I am NEVER going to be alone, ever. I will always have Dexter and the Lord walking with me, The Savior will always have His arms around me, no matter where I go. I can always count on them for everything. Any time in my life I have needed help or a safety net, God has always been there to provide one for me. I know it will continue to be that way. I felt so strengthened and I started running really really well & strong, figuring it was my last 13 miles. I didn't want to run with anyone, I just wanted to cry.
Poor Kevin, he didn't know I'd left and then had to run hard, like 9 min miles for 5 miles after already running at least a marathon, on hurting feet to catch up with me, He knew I wasn't in a good frame of mind and he didn't want me to be alone. I was so grateful for that, even though I didn't feel like communicating. We spent a couple miles somewhat quiet, but I eventually talked myself back into a more positive state of mind and we started having fun. At least some of the trail had drained so we could keep our footing and it turned into a good time. The forest was beautiful and full of color and life, the sky blue with puffy clouds, the wind cool but the sun warm, and I knew I was going to finish well under the 36 hour cutoff. I Gave thought to each of my Marines and their families, especially Jacob Crewson whose mamma, my dear friend, took her life last March near the 1 yr anniversary of his death. So much hurt and sorrow and grief and pain in this world, I felt grateful to know I have a source of peace that keeps me grounded and able to weather much more difficult storms than what a 100 mile course might throw at me.
One of Dexters songs, Fallen, played for me running into the finish. I had a total blast going down the last steep descent which ended up taking 3 toenails, lol. I closed my eyes and tried to feel him. Kevin came through the finish with me and we had another great song play at the finish we both knew was like a sign and was just super trippy and cool. The 100 mi buckle was enormous! I won a trash can as 5th place female overall.
So excited Adam came in just ahead of me. We talked to him and Christina for a few minutes, but I was so exhausted, made my way to the campground showers and got cleaned up. Had amazing Mexican food for dinner and then crashed hard into a dream state till Monday morning when we'd had some sleep and could make the drive home.
I was happy to learn we had our first spring lamb while I was out of town. My recovery feels great, a little puffy and I have the 3 lost toenails but overall feel very little soreness, which Is important because I need to turn around and run Blackbeard's Revenge 100 on the outer Banks of NC this Saturday and Sunday. I'm already in the Outer Banks camping alone, taking in the beach and resting up.
This next race will be # 70. It feels like a good point to be at. Regardless of what my future holds, I know I'm supposed to finish this mission of 100 100s, and doing what I can to talk about Dexters story and veteran suicide, breaking stigma on mental illness & getting help. So, I plan to continue running without pause, and trust God will help me work through the remaining details. It'll happen.
For Sgt Jacob Gray, Ssgt Taylor Wilson, Lcpl Jacob Crewson, PFC Morgan Daly & my sweet angel son PFC James Dexter Morris. Dillon, Nate, Jenn, Never Forgotten
Dear Rosie,
So sorry to hear about your marriage, and my heart aches for you and Jason and your family. I cannot imagine the impact of carrying this into your 100-milers. And is it always the case in these 100-milers that you have to have cold rain and mud to deal with 😱? You are certainly getting stronger physically to deal all different race conditions, and quick turn-arounds between races. But you are also showing us that this is a very special kind of determination, commitment and grit to survive each of these ordeals. You seem to be a living example of "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".
I hope you and Jason each find the peace and happiness…