Pistol Ultra 100 #46

"We won't stop fighting 'til we win

Nothing else matters in the end

The rain of grief begins"

Driving through Utah in my rental car after my DNF at Antelope, I so wanted to pull the car over and finish those miles! Of course, I was all alone in the middle of the desert in winter, so that would have been really dumb of me, so I returned to visiting Hannah in the hospital and a very long travel day back Virginia. The next day, Wednesday, I was surfing through available races I could jump into. I just didn't want to accept I'd blown #46 and my plans for #50 being Cruel Jewel. I found this race, 6 ½ hr drive down to Tennessee. I'd usually ignore a race of this kind because it's a paved race in town, with 10 loops, but there was almost nothing else on the calendar for that weekend. Surprisingly Jason didn't try and talk me out of it, instead, trying to help me figure out how I could put down another 100, he told me to check and see if I could even register. All their races for the day were sold out except for 1 single 100-mile slot. Jason said, it's meant to be, so I jumped in.

About 30 minutes after I registered and mildly thought I was being insane to run a 100 6 days after that 100k distance, I got a phone call from Ohio. It was Brenda, Sgt Grays mother.

She said “Rosie, Jenn is dead.”... It took me a split second to realize what she'd just said...Jenn Costello, mom of LCpl Jake Crewson took her life, on this 1-year anniversary month of his death. I felt sooo shocked and crushed. A beautiful woman and mother, it was one of my most meaningful experiences having her come to my finish line at Tuscazoar 100. We tried to stay in touch, and I know she had several moms from 22 too many, who had befriended her. We were all helping her get through this first-year nightmare. She could no longer carry the pain of Jake's death. We cried on the phone together and I was just stunned and devastated. Her profile & last words on Facebook. :(

The following days I was completely wiped out and so heartbroken. Not only was I mourning Jenn's life, but I felt like maybe everything I'm doing running, really isn't helping anyone, I felt as if I'd failed her. It also sparked nightmares and memories of that first year, when I'd go to bed at night and wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning. Sometimes I'd think about a bottle of pills by my bed. It would be so easy to just take them, go to sleep, and never wake up again in a world where my son was dead. Waking up every day took superhuman strength to pull myself out of bed and put on my shoes. Honestly, my running habit probably saved my life. I'd set my alarm with the intention to wake up, and I did. Every painful day. Every sunrise, your child is dead again. Its not a dream. …

All these thoughts and feelings felt like a stormy ocean, and I had nothing but empathy and love for Jenn, who died of a broken heart. She just couldn't beat the separation. I understand her feelings and actions completely.

Jenn & I after TZ100

Jason hugged me and thanked me for staying. My good friend Derry called and talked me through some of the emotions, and I was so grateful for that. He said “You cant save everyone, and what you do matters.” That went to my heart and eased some of my regret, wishing I'd done more. :( I really struggled but printed a picture of Jenn and Jake together to take to my 100 miler to honor both their lives. US Marine and US Marine mom, both victims of the disease of suicide. :(

On the car trip down I was just thinking about everything when I suddenly felt awash in the strongest feelings of love, happiness, friendship and joy. It felt as if Jenn had come to tell me she was okay, and happy with her Jake again, and that she'd met Dexter and given him a hug from me. I had tears running down my face...It was just the impression I got, but it helped my heart.

I also got a message that Derry had done a Virginia memorial run in support. Hannah was still in the hospital so I was running with her in my heart, too.

It was cold and rainy when we arrived, but the forecast was for moderate 50's, sun and 27 overnight for the race. I didn't think that sounded too bad; I've run cold nights many times, it's not bad as long as you're not wet and you keep moving. My plan was to just go out slow, take all the time I needed, still recovering with a high heart rate and a little swelling leftover in my knee still. I had 32 hrs. so figured I'd probably bring it in around 30, taking my time. Our hotel check-in was delayed till 8pm so we grabbed Cracker Barrel and did a little thrift store shopping. It worked out well though because they let me shower after checkout time on Sunday.

Got a laugh out of my feet, I still hadn't been able to wash all the clay embedded in my skin from Antelope, but prepping for 100 miles. Ugly feet = sexy legs, so they say. lol

The race was sponsored by a dairy so they brought in their enormous cow and I was excited with the prospect of cold chocolate milk at the start and finish each loop! After a good 8-9 hour nights sleep with race start at 8am, we stopped in for hotel breakfast and I had a big serving of salty bacon and eggs. Then we were off to the start. There was a huge field of 100k runners, a really decent sized field of 100s, and there would be 50 milers, marathon and half marathon runners on the course. I thought it would be annoyingly crowded but the trails we ran were very wide, so there was plenty of space and I never felt like I was getting run down by the shorter distances that happens sometimes in multiple distance trail races.

The first couple miles started out well, I was having to keep to about an 11 1/2 minute mile pace, my heart rate was 5-10 points up above what is normal for me running, which happens for about 2 weeks after every ultra. I think it's just my cardio system recovering. I didn't push it, just tried to keep a steady pace. I was enjoying the beautiful course, run around a duck pond, up a local paved trail along fields and a creek, under some pretty little bridges and overpasses, along another big found and fountain, some rolling climbs along a fairly swift little river that was beautiful, and out and back under the interstate, then back to the start finish. All but 2 of the short little hills were runnable. Really fun course... at least the first loop.

Around mile 5, I started to feel pretty nauseous and the breakfast I'd eaten was sitting like a rock in my stomach. I usually don't eat breakfast beforehand, so I wont do that again! I was pukeish for those first 2 loops. I tried to stay on top of hydration and calories in case my stomach got worse. The aid stations on the course are roughly 2.5 miles apart, so there is always access to food & drinks, primarily I was hitting up pickle juice to trying and settle things. I tried some oranges, banana, gels, Nesquick. Apple juice went down the easiest so I drank a lot of capri suns. Most all the other runners were friendly and nodded or waved at each pass. I called Jason sometime in the morning and told him I wasn't feeling good. I just slowed down and finally after about 25 miles I found my groove, a comfortable 13 min mile pace that was steadily forward but easier on my body and stomach. Jason met me at 50k with things I needed. The shoes I was wearing weren't working for me, rubbing blisters into my heels. I accidentally brought a pair a half size smaller than I like so they were painful to put on and my toes felt tight, surprisingly though I didn't have much more foot trouble. I had a cold chocolate milk every time I went through the aid station.

I really just felt numb running this race. It was like, I was all grieved out and my emotions were just put to bed while my body ran. Kind of weird for me who am usually a really emotional runner. The day was cool and beautiful, hardly warmed up. I dropped my coat but kept my thermal long sleeves on.

Jason told me my running best bud Paul might possible be in town and if so would drop in to say hi. I didn't figure he'd be coming to pace me because of a big race he has next week, but really appreciated he wanted to support me! With all the various distances on this course, there really weren't many talkers. I did meet one girl I'd run with at No Business, a Marine and someone whose son is a Marine, who all ran with me a bit to ask about why I was carrying pictures, that always makes these 100 miles feel more meaningful. The aid stations were fantastic. I'd definitely recommend this race for a first time 100. Its challenging, especially mentally on paved loops, but support is excellent and frequent.

Little sign on the course that choked me up.

With our hotel just 5 minutes away Jason met me fairly often. I made 50 miles in 12 hrs, I was pretty happy with that, its kind-of a standard time I used to run road 50s before knee surgery. Typically the second half takes about 4 hours longer. Once it got dark it started getting really cold. There was a wind coming across the ponds that brought the windchill down to 16. I had a good coat, hat, gloves and hot hands so I stayed fairly comfortable but the loop around the big duck pond into the start/finish aid station was bitter cold, and any time spent stopping to resupply gets you chilled. Jason met me @ 60, 70 & 80 through the night until morning with extra hot hands, dry hat & gloves, poles (that I dropped after 5 miles) salt pills, ramen etc. I managed to eat a couple slices of pizza that reset my stomach for awhile

The whole course is lit with park lighting so I didn't need a headlamp which was really nice, but it was harder to find dark shadows to stop for a frequent pee when I got hydration off overnight and it made the course look really tedious, hard to see the stars. Stomach didn't feel well again, to really get on top of it. Wee hours of the morning I was down to swigging ginger ale, and then pickle-juice at every aid station, apple juice on the go, and a chocolate milk at the 10 mile marks. The pickle juice combo tastes horrendous but its super effective for calories, hydration and salt. I'd been taking zofran since about 12 hours so luckily I didn't get sick enough to throw up but it was definitely a struggle at some points. Every aid station was warm and had heaters and fires going, a warming tent at the S/F aid station. It was far too tempting to stay and warm up so I just went in and out as quickly as I could. Was running with a mask to protect my lungs, hands in pockets and arms tucked close to my side to retain body heat.

I was relieved when the sun finally came up, though it took a good long time for temperatures to get up. I never did get my coat off again.When I had 12 miles left I was running along the course alone when someone up ahead started waving to me. As I got closer, there was Paul out 2 miles from the Start/Finish aid station, his red beard glowing in the sun, there to pace me! Oh man, I got all choked up. I was starting to really slow down to 17-18 min miles and projecting a 28:30 finish time, but Paul worked his pacing magic and we chatted and got the pace going. There's just something about his presence, he's such a tough runner so when I'm with him I just dig deeper than I want to, and hold it. For 12 miles we stayed a pretty steady 15 min mile average, getting down to 13s & 14s occasionally. We talked for awhile and then I just had to really buckle down and concentrate on keeping pace music.

I finally crossed the finish at 27:49 knocking a solid 40 minutes off my projected finish time after that cold slow night. Paul's wife Kim was there at the finish line and it was so great to meet her, We were all a bit teary eyed and I was just so so relieved to be done! It was a hard earned #46, took 169 miles for me to get this buckle! After I sat for a few minutes, then laid down on the chairs, someone from the race came up and congratulated me for winning 2nd place female in my age group. I was totally surprised and so excited! Won a special buckle on velvet with a spinning chamber & a mug + a $25 gift certificate for Orange Mud. My heart was so full. So grateful for good friends. Paul said he wasn't going to let me finish this one alone, and it just made me feel so supported! So grateful for Jason who came out in the frigid air all night to support me without complaint and who encouraged me to do this race. It was so well timed, after I got the news about Jennifer, I needed to be able to run it out.

Some after the fact pro photos from the course.

After we got in the car, back to the hotel for a quick hot bath & on the road, waterworks finally hit and I just let all the emotions roll over me, feelings of accomplishment, joy, friendship, and sadness. I was grateful to have put out a good performance especially for this race imo Jake & Jennifer. It just made me realize how close to death we all walk. I'm so grateful for the people in my life who've supported my races and helped me survive and give my world meaning after it all came tumbling down.

I'm happy to report Hannah is back home after 2+weeks in the hospital.

I'll be running Blackbeard's Revenge 100 on the OBX this coming Saturday so I'm ticking off this race report, resting, and repacking for #47. Ill probably carry Jenn & Jake through my races to 50, then see if there's another family with a new loss that I can try to help. :(

Immediate family of those lost to suicide are at a significantly higher risk of death than the rest of the population. If you know someone grieving a suicide loss, be sure to check in on them frequently, and offer help & support long, long after the funeral is over. The 1-3 yrs following a suicide are extremely difficult and when a parent is most at risk.

Rest in peace Jenn, you and Jake, no longer carrying the pain and hardness of this world.

Snazzy buckle, holder and placement plate is mailed out later.