I am riding a high on the feeling of accomplishment today! Finished No Business 100 on Sunday Oct 13, a difficult, technical ultra in the Daniel Boone Natl Forest in Stearns, Kentucky. As I began running 100s last year, I really wanted to do an epic race in the mountains to celebrate Dexter's birthday which is October 18th. This race fit the bill, so remote, steep, it has very little access & cell / internet service. Last year I only made it to mile 89 because of rain and I was sooo dissapointed. I had the determination to come back and get my buckle this year. I geared my summer races and training towards technical rocky ground, elevation, and climbing stairs. Aside from speed which I'm still working on, I feel like everything was right on point to finishing this particular 100 miler.
I was completely confident a week before my race...and then life hit. My son who was serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, came home from the Ukraine because of a medical emergency. He had had a very bad tooth infection while there that took surgery and a month of pain, to get over. That, plus the stress of serving as a missionary had brought an onset of a latent Bi-polar disorder, and combined with Ukrainian medicine, it turned it into a full blown psychosis with delusions and paranoia. It was soooo sad and terrible and frightening...especially because we lost Dexter to the same illness, if a more serious case. So, instead of a fun focused taper I spent several days in the ER and at doctors offices looking for a diagnosis and medication. Because of multiple miracles my son was treated quickly and stabilized within a few days. I was very worried I'd have to drop my race but a good friend took him in for the weekend so that I could still run...but the stress threw me off and I really had to focus to remember all the technical details I needed fresh in my mind for running 100 miles. There is a surprising amount you need to figure out...even if it's just which pocket has your lube or batteries... when its dark and cold and you're slightly delusional from already running a long distance, all that has to come naturally to your brain with little to no thought. Even just remembering which way your pocket zips can turn into a big deal! Luckily I didn't feel too much worry. The Lord helped him get home from the Ukraine and treated safely and efficiently so I knew he'd be ok.
The race started out in a chilly drizzle at 5am. It made the first few hours in the dark slippery but there was a large crunch of people so you were pretty much stuck running slow for the first few hrs. That ended up being a real blessing because it saved me from burning out my legs too early. However, I'm an introvert by nature so running in a group of people gets stressful for me. I worry I'm going too slow for those behind me, not fast enough for the ones up ahead...my heart rate always runs high until the people dissapear and I can relax and run at my own pace with no pressure. I think my brain was in spiritual mode...just coming off a big church LDS General Conference, because I swear my first 3 hours I had spiritual analogies running through my brain the entire time, lol, comparing living the gospel to running. There were a couple lessons that really stuck with me. I was running in part for our friend Bryan who passed away on Oct 10, 2018. His little brother who has been a best friend to my boys, gave me his headlamp to wear for my race. I was so honored especially because I was carrying Bryans picture, so it seemed right to wear it. I quickly learned that it did not put out the same lumens as the light I usually run with. So, first, I learned that just like in life, you need your own light to survive the dark. I tried to run the same pace as the woman who was in front of me for several miles so that I could benefit from her headlamp too...but running on someone elses' light only works as long as you stick close. I realized when the long full night came, I would need my own light. To run in life, we need to have our own light. A borrowed light will only get you so far. This first section of the course was also very rooty and rocky so I spent most of my time staring at the trails. I've learned that I have to look up. Look up. Frequently. I think we do this in life too. We get so convinced we are on the right trail that we literally stare at our path and don't ever look up to see the markers, voices, revelation that God gives us that might show us where our actual path is. We can be on the right trail, but if we miss the markers our big Race Director in the sky leaves out for us because we are so stuck on staring at our trail...we will get lost... Anyway, that was my big spiritual revelation and I was listening to a gospel music on my mp3 at the time so, ya know... it seemed profound at the time, lol. That was how I passed the morning hours , ha.
I went into this race on a keto diet so when I started adding sugar into my race I was full of energy and fresh legs. I had the same old knee and hip discomfort bursitis that always pops up in a race show up early, but I knew my brain would later tune it out so I just ignored it until it stop hurting. I was carrying a list of names of several people, and with most I've discussed in private conversations some of their struggles with depression and /or suicidal thoughts. As I went through the day looking at the trail not to trip over rocks & roots, I kept my eyes out for heart shaped rocks to give them. It was a little tough because there were so many leaves. As I looked for each rock I picked a particular person and spent a long time praying for them, just having a conversation with God about their struggles, dreams, and also praying for their support people, for anything I could think of that they might need. For the 1 or two that aren't all that religious, I talked to Dexter for them and asked that he help keep an eye on them and be an angel for anything they might need as they struggled. I dunno...it was a really special experience. I admit I had a few tears in those long prayers.
This course was absolutely stunning. Just enough red and orange autumn leaves and the perfect autumn temps to make you grateful to be alive and out in the woods for the day. The rain cleared up, and eventually by 3 or 4 in the afternoon the sun came out and it was absolute magical. It was about that point where I hit the twin arches and I literally stopped running just to stand there. Just stood under them for a few moments, awed by their grandeur and how blessed I was to be able to run, and to enjoy such a spectacular view after 40 miles. Made the distance and discomfort just disappear! The volunteers were so friendly and helpful and amazing. I rolled into the 45 mile AS around 4pm and my good friend Linton who I met at NB100 last year, became my unofficial crewman. I had a hard time meeting up with Jason & the boys for some reason, but Linton was at every aid station that I actually needed some help at. That was amazing haha. I was feeling great by that point, 4 hours ahead of cutoff. Then dark came, and soon after the most technical discouraging part of the course! After the sun went down it started getting pretty chilly, I dropped to about 34 degrees which felt drastic after the hot autumn we've had. . I threw on a dry thermal shirt and coat, put hot hands in my mittens...also down my shirt but I ended up being too hot from all the hill climbing so I was pretty comfortable overnight. I did see a lot of cold runners huddling by the fire. I refused to sit by a fire or heater...my goal was, don't get comfortable at AS...switch shoes, fill bottles, grab food and leave the aid stations as quick as possible. I almost missed seeing my boys completely but I took a wrong turn for about 10 feet at the 52 (?) mile aid station. I was heading out into the night, and ran into them! They had my phone charger and some things I needed so I was grateful we accidentally met up....and then they put me back on the right path, lol.
One of my most notable experiences of this race was soon after the Powerline Aid Station at mile 68. It must have been shortly after midnight. The sky was clear and I was running through a wide open meadow on top of the mountain..one of the few places the trees really opened up for the full sky. There was a brilliant moon and I was elated at the beauty but feeling pretty exhausted. I suddenly had this feeling I get sometimes of an angelic presence. When it happens I get sortof tingles all over and my heart and mind fills with light that feels so real, that it is a physical experience.. It is usually Dexter because I can recognize the “feel” of his personality. If this has ever happened to you, you know what I'm describing. Every once in awhile I will 'feel' its my dad. Even rarer, my grandmother who I know visited me once as a teenager because of the same feeling and witness of the spirit to my mind who was taking care of me. Well, at first I thought I was feeling Dexter and it was like I had a big push of energy as if they were pushing me along the trail..but the personality was distinctly different and all of a sudden I just knew it was Bryan. I stared crying and the feelings and impressions I got were how happy he was, how much he loved his family, thanking me for being out in the wilderness for him, and that he was happy and grateful it had been a year since he passed, and that he would be continuing his progression in the next life. After maybe 5 minutes that feeling left me... I dunno, might sound crazy or delusional but its a real thing, a real moment. People in the spirit world are real and they are close to us and if/when we keep our hearts open, they can find ways to communicate. I love Bryan's family and his parents and feel incredibly humbled and honored that I had this small but real witness of the plan of salvation and that the spirits of those we love are still active in our lives. <3
Phew. I could stop writing now. That experience was worth the whole race.
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The downhills on this course were crushing my toes and I started feeling like I had ripped my big toenail off, and I felt a massive blister forming on my heel. I realized after the moonlit meadow, a 5 mile technical section and 2 river crossings that both my shoes had ripped open!!! I got into the Great Meadow AS around mile 78 and pulled off my shoes. One of the volunteers were looking for a pin so I could pop this super deep blister. I said screw that, I don't have time to wait, and I just ripped it open with my fingernails, haha. I was slightly in a delusional 'move forward' mode. My adopted crewman Linton grabbed some moleskin for my sick blister, and wrapped my shoes up with duct tape and got me right back out on the trail. Also made sure I got soda in my bottles and got me hot soup or broth, poured my ramen salt packets into all my soup, just a living angel! The 4 miles from Great Meadow to Peters Mountain were pretty much the super gnarly terrain suckers for pain in ultra-running love to aspire to. In and out of small ravines full of rocks & creeks and trying to follow the course marking flags...on tired legs, not thinking straight...those are the times its really helpful to have a pacer. But I was out there on my own. I did a lot of praying and I felt Dexter's spirit gently nudge me in the right direction when the course markers weren't clear. I hit my head hard a couple times on overhanging rock formations and almost took a tumble off a 20 foot bridge! I tripped on my trekking pole but luckily I grabbed the railing as my feet and body went halfway over the edge. :-O That was semi terrifying lol. I thought... well, I do want to see you again soon Dexter, but I guess I'm not quite ready to die out here!!! :-O
Its funny I guess, what a race can do. There was something that really switched in my brain and heart after running TZ100. When the race director came out and helped me finish the race. Feeling and knowing absolutely that Dexter helped me cross the finish line. It was extremely healing for me as a suicide survivor and since then I felt inspired to use my running to help others. I can't do much. and don't do much because I prefer being alone doing my own thing...but just making the goal to run 100 ultras in Dexter's memory and to have the heart to help other people...it was just what I needed to learn to live in a grieving state. The real difference in this race for me was that I wasn't running with sorrow in my heart as much as joy. It did get to me once though. I remember clearly...an aid station was coming up and I wondered if they'd notice my picture of Dexter. I put my hand over Dexters picture and just talking to him and remembering the people I was running for, just the thought, my son died from suicide, my son shot himself. Kicked me in the gut. I got breathless for a short time and I just wept...but, I recovered, and found peace and drive and kept going. I feel like that's my life now. Kick in the gut. Find peace. Keep going.
Well, the duct tape fell off and I ran another 4 miles in the hardest section with my toes sticking out, but got to the 82 mile AS, switched out my shoes and took off. I lost 2 hrs in the dark but was still ahead of cutoff by 2 hrs. After 82 miles I tend to really slow down but I decided I wasn't going to let myself... I wanted to be done with this course before noon. Gave it my all... just kept on running, running, running. I was very fortunate, eating less food for calories because of keto I was able to keep moving with just a few swings of coke now and then, and soup at aid stations. Had some fabulous chili, chicken soup, broth with potatoes and salt, a couple fist fulls of bacon... at one point I got slightly nauseous so I just ate a marshmallow pumpkin, 1 every mile, but that wave passed and I kept a steady pace. A funny struggle women runners have is finding a place to pee. You'd be surprised how hard it can be to find a fallen log or bush right off the trail. So much of the race I was running in front of or just behind a group of men, so every pit stop was a race to go and be properly dressed before the next runner ran around the corner. I only got caught once I think, with my pants halfway up taking off running back down the trail. Its kind of humorous but it becomes a big deal when the minutes are counting down on the clock, lol. TMI. But, the struggle is real, lol.
The morning sunrise was the deepest shade of pink I've ever seen, through dark trees and a sky with stars. So beautiful! I decided that's the scene I want to paint on the heart rocks I found. I took one bad trip about 3 miles from the finish and got a huge lump on the side of my knee. I also fell on the bridge crossing to finish. I was 4 minutes before noon! That was my focus for the last 12 miles, literally calculations on my pace and crossing time to be before noon! So this fall set me back 1 minute, it was a 'funniest home videos' worthy fall, haha, but I think only 1 guy saw me, lol. The last 3 miles Peters favorite jam came on and one of Dexter's songs and I got super pumped. Soooo happy that I not only got this buckle but that I totally beat the cutoff. Ended up taking a middle -to – back finishing time which was perfectly fine with me. Just happy I finished!! I'm so grateful to the Lord for helping me develop a healthy body, emotional, physical and spiritual endurance...all of which I need to complete this kind of challenge and really, to survive life and be happy. The 19 almost 20 months since we lost Dexter have been harder than I could ever possibly imagined life could be...withpain deeper than any I could comprehend I could feel, or carry, or live with, But I think in that process the Lord has strengthened me with gifts that I wouldn't have discovered otherwise. I love the concept to “lift where you stand.” I don't think the Lord expects us to change the core of who we are or what we enjoy to serve Him...rather to look around at what we are currently doing and find a way to serve within that. So I hope as I go forward and on to #7...8...20...100 races, that I can keep my heart open to ways I can help and serve others, even though truly, running is purely selfish for me, because I love it with every cell in my poor, tired, sore, swelling,, aching ,bruised body. :-D
And to Dexter. I know you loved the mountains. As I ran late in the afternoon, I could feel the joy in your heart that you felt when you were in the mountains, and the memory of hikes together came crystal clear to my mind and heart. I could just feel you close by running with me for those long stretches of beautiful blue sky and autumn leaves, crisp air, speaking music to my heart, and felt you tell me to enjoy them for you. Thank you for being with me out there. Happy 25th birthday son. I'll love you forever. Forever 23
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