No business 100. I discovered this race 2018 when I was looking for mountain race to run for Dexter's birthday. I was cut off early the first year at 89 miles accidentally but the last 4 years have finished to earn a double “two direction” buckle. It's always a hard month for me because I miss Dexter when Autumn comes. It also seems to bring in the holiday blues and so many family memories of autumn, baking, trick-or-treating, yard work and raking, getting firewood, shearing sheep and preparing for Thanksgiving, soon followed by the beautiful and excruciating memories of Christmas. It feels like a tsunami of emotion coming at me every year. Having moved away from all my children, feelings are poignant this year. I have many feelings of anxiety, loss, sadness, missing not only Dexter but all my kids. I'm really grateful to have a good job with friends, and also friends in the running community. It helps a lot. I was feeling some guilt for spending money to travel to another race instead of going to see my kids. Kevin helped me talk through it. He reminded me I spent more than half my life doing the best damn job I could do to be a mom, and now my kids are grown, I have a right and a need to pursue my passions. I appreciated that wisdom a lot. We did a hike around Froggy Mountain before I hit the road, enoying the gorgeous Autumn Leaves on the course for the Froggy Mountain Breakdown and hanging up some funny signs. I left to make the drive to Tennessee,thinking I had such a wonderful place and home to return to.
Thinking about the resurrection listening to church music on my drive, & pondering about people who kind of laugh at religion and yet I know for me, I would not have survived Dexter's death if I didn't believe with my whole heart in the resurrection. There's nothing that will tear your guts out like standing at the grave of your child, knowing his body is decomposing under the earth... when you want to just throw your body on the ground to keep their body warm. Wondering if what you've always believed in is true. Will you ever see his eyes sparkle with laughter? Do you ever feel those big arms embrace you in an “I love you mom” bear hug? Do you ever see him again? Do you ever hear his deep voice teading his brothers? There's nothing like looking into that pit of despair and Hell...what if it isn't true. I'm not a perfect Christian by far. Not even a good one. But, I love the Lord with all my heart. Because of Him, I will hold my son again. Seeing my buddies Kevin and Paul everyday hanging out at Froggy mountain, I'm reminded that they're my family. I'm grateful for them. We're all busy can't manage to race together often, but we have plans upcoming for miles. For No Business, I would be alone. I was really concerned about this race. It's quite difficult. It's a remote course with countless river crossings, rock formations, creek beds, every year I barely make it under the final cut off. I've always had crew and was going solo this year. I was concerned because the UTI I picked up before my last race wasn't getting better it seemed to be getting worse actually. I was afraid it was turning into a mild kidney infection. I had some discomfort in my knees, and a painful pull in my right calf. Also out of my anti-nausea and medication. With no Health insurance I was avoiding going to the doctor because I have to pay prescription out of pocket, and I only have part-time job. Well I asked the missionaries for my church to come over and give me a blessing. In my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints all men hold the priesthood. So, if you blessing of healing, even a 20 year old can do that, because they've been ordained and given the priesthood. They came over one evening blessed me to not only recover from my sickness, but gave words about how much heavenly father loves me, and knows my heart the love I have for gospel and for others, and my desires to serve, and because of that He would help me. In this prayer they said that I would not need medication. We had tears, and all my fears of running this race disappeared.I had a busy work week so I was still packing and labeling my drop bags up until the time I needed to make the 5-Hour Drive to Jamestown Tennessee where the start line is. I planned to camp in my car. I carbed up on sourdough bread, protein bars, granola, butterfinger candy bars, apples and chocolatey popcorn. Again I'd eaten enough calories to get me through the first 30 miles haha.I'll be sleepin in my car slept in my car at the start line. I had a guy message me and ask would run with him and help him get a buckle I appreciated the fact that he reached out, but I felt like he was a dnf waiting to happen. I said I'd run with him as long as we were going the same Pace but that I was on a mission to finish and that was my priority. I feel bad but I think that's how it has to be for everyone running these races, you can't depend on someone else to get you to the finish line. You have to have what it get takes to get yourself to the finish line. You have to dig deep and find that within yourself. You can't rely on anyone else.
I got two no business at 8:00pm. Most people were gone. I drop my drop bags and enjoyed a heated bathroom getting ready for bed and taped up my feet and areas of chafing. I slept in my sleeping bag in the car. The stars were brilliant. Crazy enough, the bed in the back of my car is more comfortable than my camper bed at home. I had a chance to watch podcast I did with my fitness group friend, Kindal. I loved the chance to tell Dexter's story and it was great revisit my why. I woke up about 5:30 and was feeling sad because I was all alone without much family support. Kevin calls me at 5:30am and talks me through my down feelings. He reminded me that I'm a professional athlete, this is what I do, this is my job, so I just have to go out and do it and not worry about would anyone else thinks. It helped a lot.Was a cool mild morning & didnt need a jacket which meant probably was going to be a hot day. No Business served up some excellent breakfast of bacon, eggs, sausage, biscuits & my favorite, hash brown and ketchup! There's a group called The Runners Church that had a table set up so I went there and let the pastor dude who was also running the race, say a prayer for me. I only had to wake up twice overnight to pee instead of every hour, so was feeling great that does my UTI was over. What a miracle! Met my friends Charles and Mark at the start line & chatted a few minutes. I was feeling great! There was a slow Conga line for at least the first 8 miles off and on which was a little frustrating. I was feeling dehydrated from travel and at the first creek crossing I gulped down 32 oz of water from the cold little river. I ran into at least seven or eight people on the trail who I recognizes from other races. I thought a lot about my life and how I've felt out of sorts lately. The story of Esther really sunk into my heart. Queen Esther didn't live the life of a Jewish wife, living an unconventional life in the harem of king Xerxes, but she was in the right time at the right place and saved the people she loved because of it. For some reason that story resonated with me.
Met a US Marine named Keith, who ran with me a little while, he was out doing his first 100. I talked a little to Kevin, feeling a bit down in the dumps. He was encouraging me and told me to remember that I'm a professional athlete and an author. No, I haven't written a book yet, but I will one day. One for young girls, so kick butt and be proud of what Im doing out there. It helped a lot. About 27 miles in I made a critical mistake and rushed through an aid station without going to my drop bag for a neck fan, liquid IV or my phone charger. It was too late when I'd realized. All would come around to bite me later. I had to shut off my music to preserve the battery because I knew I would need tunes to stay awake once it got dark. It was peaceful to listen to the falling leaves, birds and sound of the forest, but I was moving much slower without the music cadence to run to. I tried singing to myself for hours, but its a strange phenomenon that when I try to start singing on my own, I can't remember a single song, haha. As the evening darkened around me, I started feeling nauseous and tried to let myself throw up. We had some extra long stretches where the mileage didnt match the course description that were long and arduous.
I knew I was falling behind. Even when it got dark, it didnt really cool off, stayed muggy and humid with dead air and I was sweating heavily. I decided to wait until midnight to turn my music back on. I was drowsy in the dark and took an extra caffeine pill just to stay awake. My running friend Charles on course and I, had some off and on conversation as we tried to keep moving forward. I gave him some of my pain cream and he made my day by calling me Miss America. That was so cute, made me happy. I had no phone signal, but I didnt care, I was just trying keep going. Around mile 42 tried to take a 5-minute trail nap, Was totally drained of energy climbing Laurel Mountain and laid down 3x to close my eyes, take a minute nap and rest my nauseous stomach. A guy named dennis and I struck up a conversation and it helped me stay awake a little bit, but mostly alone in the dark I was sleepwalking. When I got into the Laurel Aid station there were some amazing ladies who got me a blanket to lay wrap up in and lay down. They set a timer for 8 minutes and I slept deeply. I woke up a bit refreshed and tried to eat a little candy pumpkin and chicken and coke. A lady at the aid station came around the table and gave me a huge hug. She said she'd read my story and recognized me when she saw my pictures. It was a great reminder of my purpose. I thought I would be okay. Unfortunately the wheels came completely off the bus during the next stretch. I was running well for a couple miles, 40 minutes ahead cut off and then I hit just a brick wall of nausea. I was painfully dry heaving. Id take a few steps then dry heave, and lay down and close my eyes for two minutes, then get up again. IT felt like I did that for hours and made no progress. Trying to climb even the slightest hill would make me dizzy. I realized then I wasn't going to be able to push through to make the cut off. It was one of the hardest things I've done, picking myself up take a few more steps to lay down again.
I finally just gave up, I couldn't do another step, and I layed down down in the dark. Who knows how long I would have stayed there if the sweepers hadn't come along. They helped me get up and we're so kind and talked me through crying my eyes out. They told me to lay down and rest I needed to that we were in no rush and we would just take the time we needed to get to the aid station.
I tried to make conversation in between bouts of throwing up. With a mile left walking in someone totally awesome picked up up in a vehicle and got us back to the start. I had to keep my window down with freezing wind in my face to keep from puking in the car. It was with the greatest relief I got to the finish line, stripped down to my underwear, climbed into my sleeping bag and fell into a coma. Before I blacked out Kevin called me to make sure I was back in my car safely and to give me lots of words of encouragement. He made me feel so much better. He said what made me strong wasn't whether or not I completed this race, but the fact that I would turn around and go out and do this again. He was right. I was still very disappointed with myself. I cried myself to sleep.
With sunrise I woke up and took a hot shower at the State Park. I grabbed a couple cans of beef stew from the aid station and ate it in my car with a salt pill. It stayed down and my heat fever seemed to be gone. The UTI also seemed to be gone, I didnt need medicine the entire course. I was frustrated at all that had gone wrong after I had that blessing, thinking this race would go perfectly, but when I revisited what I've been told, I realized it was almost more of a foreshadow of a dnf. I was too sick to keep down anti-nausea medication and it took every ounce of will keep walking forward to & toaccept the fact that I didn't finish this race. Very difficult emotionally because I was running for Dexter's birthday. I was able to wake realize I could throw my name into the Hard Rock lottery, so that made me feel better. Also signed up to do the treadmill 100 to make up for this number 81 that I didn't finish that will be December 1st.
Slow getting this report out, I recently finished #81. I had a real confidence struggle after this DNF, but I know I'd had a beautiful run, & my heart loved being in the woods. It's important for me to write about my failures, because sometimes our dreams don't happen easily. Rarely do our dreams happen easily. We get naysayers, people who don't understand us, inadequacies and fear and self doubt get in the way, but the important thing is that keep going better prepared after a failure.Happy Birthday Dexter, I gave it my all. I'll try it again next year. I love you
In memory of my heroes. :(
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