I finished up my 200 multi day run on Dec 30th. I was planning to take a few weeks off and do a beach 100 down in Florida at the end of January. Sadly on New Yrs Day my sweet mom had terrible stroke. It left her very weak and my sister who was caring for her, suggested that I hurry out to Salt Lake City to see her because she thought it was near the end. Mom was on hospice and we had been expecting a slow decline, but suddenly it looked like she was on her last few hours. I was able to find a last minute flight for Jason and I and we flew out praying we would make it in time to say goodbye. We had a 'gran cam' up and I kept watch until I could get to her bedside.
I spent all my Florida money going out to see mom so I decided if she did pass away that I would do a memorial run for her while in Utah. In an ultrarunning group on FB I met a really nice lady who suggested a running route for me in southern Utah. The temps looked fairly moderate & it was road, that could be easily run and crewed by car last minute, so I threw all my running gear into a suitcase and headed out west.
We arrived late afternoon on the 5th. Earlier in the day mom had been smiling the sweetest most angelic smiles and talking a little bit, but by the time I arrived she was sleeping and unresponsive. I didn't get the chance to talk to her. :( We gathered as a family and some of us sang to he. It was beautiful time with her. She seemed stable so everyone slowly went home for the night. I stayed by her bedside with my wonderful sister Lisa and her family long after everyone had left for the night. They had put their life on hold for the last 3 months to take care of mom, keeping her safe from nursing homes and Covid. I felt honored to be included in their family. We dozed and listened to her breathing get slower and slower, until she she peacefully passed away in the quiet hours of the early morning. It was so very sad and so beautiful. I felt peace and love, though thoroughly heartbroken. My mom, gone from my life for the remainder of mine. Its a pain and sadness that is hard to bear...at the same time I felt an overwhelming joy that grandma was in the embrace of my big strong angel son, and in the presence of the Savior. A I felt a thrill in my whole soul at their reunion. Nobody loves a child as much as a mother, but grandma comes pretty darn close, and knowing mom is over there to love on my sweet Dexter filled me with peace and comfort. It was a miracle to me that we made it on time to say goodbye.
Mom has been so supportive and understanding of me my whole life. When I was young I could never sit still. At church she'd have me stand on my head in the foyer, haha. She was constantly talking to my teachers about how to keep my mind occupied so I wouldn't get into trouble...I had bad grades from constantly fidgeting in my chair and not paying attention, was just always on the go....the early warning signs of an ultrarunner I guess, haha. Because my middle name is Marie, mom used to sit me on her lap and sing the 'Maria' song from Sound of Music. "She'd out pester any pest, drive a hornet from its nest, She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl, She is gentle! She is wild! She's a riddle! She's a child! She's a headache! She's an angel! She's a girl!" She knew I was born with a bit of a wild spirit, and did her best to keep me rooted in truth and love and principle. She's been one of my biggest supporters in running and my mission to bring awareness to mental illness and suicide, especially because my oldest brother suffers from a dehabilitating mental illness. She spent as many years as I can remember, caring for him and trying to get him proper help. My angel mother. Truly an angel. Rest in peace.
I usually run for Dexter and veterans but knowing how mom loved to be involved in exciting things, and party planning, I figured she would enjoy being along for the ride as well. Because of a delay at the funeral home and not being able to plan a funeral for a week or two, I decided to go ahead and run. I said my last goodbyes to her at the funeral home. She looked so beautiful, like one of her cameos from her jewelry business, a cameo of a Victorian queen. I kissed her and said goodbye to her mortal body, knowing her spirit was with us and always will be.
My youngest daughter Hannah and her best friend Sara, who I've also adopted as a daughter, wanted to tag along on the trip and help support me. I was so excited, it was so fun driving with them! Road trip! They turned out to be essential help on the road and I'm so grateful they came along. It was such a blast! Sarah made me a beautiful gift, a wooden memorial flag - plaque for Dexter. It is gorgeous!
Before heading to Southern Utah, luckily I checked the forecast and saw it was going to dip to 18 degrees overnight! I've been wussing out and staying on the treadmill through the coldest part of the winter so far, so I was pretty concerned with the temperature especially being out in the desert. I hit up a local thrift store last minute and had a little miracle of finding a zero degree running coat for $15. That coat ended up saving my run, no doubt! We were running a bit late but arrived in Enterprise Utah around 5:15 pm. The plan was to run 50 miles, mostly downhill, to St George Utah, then turn around and run back, uphill. We met my new running friend Rhonda and her crew friend Richard at the gas station before my family even went to the hotel, and we grabbed our gear and started out just before sunset. The wind was bitter cold and went right through us, but after a mile or so we warmed up and it was pretty comfortable.
The first 4 miles or so was a steady uphill. I was a bit worried, the thin desert air and moderate elevation made me fairly winded and my heart rate was up more than I liked so I was huffing and puffing the first 15 miles or so. Because of that we kept a slow but steady pace and Rhonda was wonderful company. We had a lot of similar struggles in our background and just got along great, had plenty to talk about! There was fairly steady traffic on the highway but we made good time. Richard was going to crew Rhonda anyway so my family went to the hotel room and I threw water, pudding cups and some good & plenty candies into Richards car. He stopped every 5 miles and it was always a relief to see his headlights, time for a break! We made 20 miles in maybe 4 1/2 hrs. There was a little gas station we were hoping to buy some hot food at, but sadly it was closed. The worker there though, Jason, opened the doors for us and let us use the bathroom. He was so nice! the warmth felt sooo good, and a flushing toilet is always a treat. We got stuck there for about 20 min because of a lost wallet but soon were back on the road...off the main road and heading on an empty highway towards an Indian reservation. Rhonda was training for her first 50 miler so the plan was to run 30 with me, and I'd finish the rest of the route alone. At some point she asked if I minded if she tried to run all 50 with me. I usually like running alone but we were having a great time, enjoying music, singing & talking I was thrilled to have the company, especially being out in a strange desert all alone in the dark.
20 -30 miles was one of my favorite stretches. We'd descended elevation so my heart rate was back to normal, wind at our backs, running a solid downhill, under the most crystal clear sky I've ever seen! The milky way went from horizon to horizon. We saw occasional falling stars and just couldn't get over the breathtaking beauty. Richard stopped us and warned that he'd been hearing howling coyotes, so bless his amazing crewing soul, he drove his car 3-5 mph along the road with us for the remaining 25 miles! There was zero traffic, just the 3 of us our under the stars. Jason Hannah and Sarah met us at 30 miles with some OJ and snacks, no hot food yet though. I laid in the back of the car with my feet up to warm up a bit...as the night was wearing on it would quickly get very cold if we stopped for more than a minute or two. Sarah gave me her coat to wear then they picked it up a mile later once we got moving again and I warmed up. She'd made me Dexters chocolate chip cookie recipe so I ate a few of those. Also she gave me a beautiful silver howling wolf necklace that I wore for good luck. <3 The howling was appropriate for our coyote companions out in the night.
One of the few things I took with me from moms belongings was a black floor length feather winter coat with a fur hood. It is like a size 3XL and super warm, I laughed that every time I saw my crew one of them was wearing moms coat, even Jason. :-D I think mom would have loved that, haha.
30-40 miles -ish I believe we were running through the Shivwits Piaute Indian Reservation. It felt like a steady downhill and I was worrying a little bit about the way back, all uphill. My shins started hurting and I was afraid it might take me 30+ hrs to finish. Prayed for help to just dismiss my worries and stay in the moment. I was getting hungry and wanting some hot food. Up to then Id just been eating candy and licking banana pudding cups, (forgot the spoon) and drinking orange juice. We slowly approached civilization and ran through some little towns leading into St George, it was close to 4 am and nothing was open. I started feeling pretty "off"... felt bad because aside from cold hands, Rhonda was strong and still moving pretty quickly, I was struggling to keep up and didn't want to go much faster, knowing I had the return trip ahead. Started getting worried and nauseous but we found an open Maverick at about 46 miles. Jason met us there and I was so relieved to see him! I lay in the back of the car with the heater on with my feet up, and he'd brought me some macaroni and cheese. That seemed to settle my stomach and I felt a bit better running into St George.
It was really wonderful when I found out that Rhonda was also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It made it so wonderful to talk to someone with my same faith, about loss and mourning and our hope in the Saviors redemption and resurrection. She was truly the angel of comfort that I needed out in the dark as I inwardly mourned my mom and Dexter. Her apartment was just shy of 50 miles, and was half a block from the St George Utah temple, so it was a really wonderful turnaround point. Ive missed the temple so much, unable to attend since Covid hit. :( Rhonda let us into her apartment and like a true ultrarunner, went back out and ran .8 miles out and back to round up to a 50 on strava, haha. (our gps was a bit off, I ended up running an extra 3.7 miles myself.) I was able to change into some dry thermal clothes, try and get some of the knots out of my hair, lube up and warm up in her apartment and we had a lot of fun just talking for a few minutes about running and her future goals of running a 100. Jason heated me up a cup of noodles with extra salt and Rhonda let me have her "50 mile fork" and I headed out for the return trip to Enterprise. It was about 5:45am by now, we'd done the first 50 in approx 12 hrs.
The cup of ramen worked some magic and though I was starting uphill, was able to start back with a fairly decent pace uphill towards town & food. My left knee and shins were hurting so uphill felt pretty good. About 4 miles out I hit a gas station for a quart of orange juice and a pina colada slurpee. It was really cold but the slurpee sounded good and went down just fine. I was really grateful nausea had eased up. I ran alone for about 12 miles as the sun was rising over the desert. It was truly breathtaking with the red rocks and pink sunrise. Somewhere along this point I was thinking about mom and just felt the warmest presence and hug, and it felt like mom was with me and telling me how much she loved me. <3
I hit another gas station before going onto the reservation again and drank another pint of OJ and ate a cherry pie which actually tasted delicious though I was sugar weary. With Richard and Rhonda finished with the run I thought I'd be spending many hours alone, but my amazing family was in full crew mode in the morning. Hannah and Sarah met me on the Indian reservation with hot mac n cheese and ramen and I think I ate both haha. I cant really remember except they were so excited to see me and I was THRILLED to see them. It seriously made it so fun, though I was about 60 miles in and hurting, they were such a confidence and energy boost.
Somewhere around 62 miles Hannah jumped out of the car and decided to run with me in her jeans and boots haha. She was so great! We had so much fun talking and just couldn't get over how incredibly beautiful the desert scenery was with the red rocks, black volcanic cliffs and black boulder fields. The sun came out and we ran past lunchtime together, probably 11 miles...uphill. What a trooper. She hadnt run in months but we did good time and I loved being with my sweet daughter. We had some really fun conversations and I forgot all about hurting all over. Jason met us around 70 miles with a hot dog (or 2?) that I scarfed down, sooo delicious.
After they left and I ran the next 6 or so miles alone. Finally some alone time, I had a chance to think about Jacob and Taylor, the US Marines I was running for, and to pray for their families. Was a bit weepy as I thought of their sacrifice for our country, of lives cut short, and the beautiful children they left behind. :( I felt grateful to be in such a beautiful place remembering them.
I was feeling pretty good and the sunny skies were glorious but I'd forgotten to refill my water bottle & got desperately thirsty. Saw a wild donkey. I started worrying that I was getting dehydrated and started praying to find water. I know it sounds pretty gross but I was watching all along the road for an abandoned water bottle. haha Going up a big hill in the sun I saw a small patch of snow and grabbed some chunks with only a little bit of road dirt. That relieved my thirst for a few minutes. Still praying for water, my family met me sooner than I expected and I drank probably half a gallon. I thanked them and was grateful they listened to the feeling that they needed to go back out and meet me. Jason hopped out of the car and we hiked the biggest incline of the course, and hit the gas station where Rhonda and I had stopped at overnight. Jason the clerk was still working. He was so happy to see me and that I'd made it so far, he gave me a free hot dog. :-D
We were supposed to meet Hannah and Sarah at about 85 miles. They'd gone to the Mountain Meadows Massacre historic sight and accidentally locked the keys in the car! We were in a mild panic...its kind of out in the middle of nowhere, far from any town. We weren't sure what to do. By some 'coincidence' a family in the parking lot asked if they were ok. The man who was with his wife, just happened to know how to break into a car with a wire. He also just happened to have a tool for cutting wire. He went off into the desert a little ways and came back with a cut piece of barbed wire and was able to get the girls back into the car. It was such a miracle...<3 They met us on time. <3 My knee and shins felt completely trashed by this time. Could jog uphills, had to walk the downs. I tried to take my mind of the hurting by praying again for the families. Jason & I scoured the ground for some sticks that I could use as walking poles but the ones we found were too heavy to last long. My poor crew, I felt bad because I was a bit demanding.."break up the ramen into chunks, fill the cup up to here, put in 3 packets of salt & two of pepper..." etc. They did such a great job! Most crew stops comprised of grabbing 'butt cream' lol (diaper rash ointment) pain cream, r men, and Orange Juice with an occasional banana pudding. Surprisingly and wonderfully my stomach stayed strong and I kept on top of the nausea.
When we hit around 89 miles, the sun went down and I still had probably 3 hours to go. We were climbing in elevation nearing the tops of the mountain and the wind picked up. Though I had hot hands in my mittens, down my shirt and my 0 degree coat on, there was a stiff wind that was going right through us. I started shivering a bit and was starting to really worry and was feeling overall wiped out, limping a bit on my knee, afraid I wouldnt be able to move fast enough to stay warm. I made a pit stop and Jason was still with me. I asked for a blessing and he prayed that I would get warm, that my crew would be able to help me stay warm and that Id finish strong and be safe. We hit the road again and 5 minutes later Hannah and Sarah pulled up with a hot cup of ramen. That warmed me right up and after about 30 min the wind completely died down and I stayed warm until the finish.
The brilliant stars came out again after dark. Jason was pacing me but we were mostly quiet and I spent time gazing at the stars. As I ran I was thinking about eternity and the expanse of the universe and the strength and power of the human soul that stays alive after death, how our unique personalities are in our spirits, not our bodies, and I felt so grateful that I feel Dexter and now mom, and my Dad, and the boys I've been running for. The other side is closer than we think.. though the universe is so vast we truly have no real understanding of it, but I do know the life of the spirit continues. Its such a huge comfort to me and felt so profound out looking up at our galaxy in the desert sky.
Hannah took over as my pacer the last 4-5 miles. We talked and sang songs as some of Dexters music came on my playlist. I think the people in southern utah have to be some of the friendliest people... I counted at least half a dozen cars that stopped to offer us a ride, haha. Only one guy in a van seemed a little sketchy, luckily Sarah had loaned me her tazer, just in case. :-D I was totally beat but excited to wrap up 103.7 miles in 28hrs 3 min. I finished half a mile from the hotel so Jason and Sarah drove out to meet us. I didnt want to take one more step!! Pretty happy with that time my watch only read 100 miles but it my gps didnt kick in for almost 2 miles at the start.
Jason paid a bit extra for the hotel room so we could stay till I was finished. Had to work out the matted knots in my hair from the wind and get in a shower before driving back up to SLC.
We had to drive overnight through a really bad snowstorm and I kept having mild panic attacks when I'd wake up, briefly...so exhausted. We were able to spend the next day seeing my granddaughter and a few of my sisters before flying home. I laid in moms empty bed and cried... the run was fun and challenging and I had company for most of the run, so I really didn't break down till it was over and I finally had a chance to cry out my loss of my sweet mom Frances. I've been weepy ever since, but feel her love reaching through the veil to me and I feel like she will be there to help me as I continue to run for suicide awareness.
'Into the West is my song for Dexter, I listen every time I go to the cemetery. After mom passed early in the morning in the dark, I laid quietly with my sister and niece and we listened to it for mom. It was the best Memorial service we could have given her. It is both hers and Dexters song now. Thats why I picked it as the name for this run.
"Lay down, your sweet and weary head.
Night is falling, you have come to journeys end. "
Take good care of my boy in heaven, mom, till we can all be together!
1-6-2021 3:36 am. My kind, faithful, infinitely patient, beautiful mother passed peacefully to return to her Heavenly Father in the quiet hours of the morning. I'm so grateful I was able to be at her bedside. I will miss her wisdom and sweetness and constant love and support. I know she was welcomed home by many family but especially by my sweet Dexter, her oldest grandson . I'm so grateful for the hope I have in eternal life, the resurrection and redemption of Christ. Mom instilled faith in me from my youngest years and it runs deep in my heart now & carries me through the valley of death & sorrow. I love you forever mom. Thank you for my magical childhood and always believing in me. Come walk with me in spirit in my garden whenever you can. I think anyone blessed to know my mom knows I'm not exaggerating with how truly wonderful a person she is. Smiling and full of love and pure goodness till her last waking moment. I am so truly blessed, so much of what I love in life is directly influenced by what she loved. I hope I can be as gentle , strong, full of grace, forgiveness and charity as she is...some day.
It brings the greatest solace and love to my heart that mom is in heaven now to love on my sweet Dexter. I can only begin to imagine the joy and hugs at their reunion. I can't wait to be with you both again.
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