Well, the day after Christmas I was recovering from the Dreadmill 100. Jason had to help me walk around the house because I had such a painful strain in my hip flexor and sleep was painful. I could hardly get out of bed to use the bathroom in the middle of the night!.
After home church on Sunday I had my Jason & my son Jacob give me a blessing. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, all men faithful in the church are given the opportunity to be ordained to the priesthood, so a blessing is an inspired prayer with hands laid opon your head, with consecrated oil for the healing of the sick. Its something I deeply believe in and have seen it work miracles in my life. During this blessing I had the impression of feeling my Dad close by. A promise was given that the power and authority of the holy ghost would heal my physical pain. Also, he said that my efforts in my races are noticed in heaven and appreciated so much and they- the ones I'm running for - want me to know that. Additionally that my mission to run 100s is sanctified by Heavenly Father, and I will have the power to do it, even when I don't feel it. I was reminded that I should trust in God and trust in the Holy Ghost.
It was private and personal and powerful, in fact so personal to me that I probably wont actually post this blog post on social media, so if you find your way here to read this, know that it is true and that there is power in the Priesthood of God to heal.
Not long after I decided to try limping out my sore muscles on the treadmill. During a 5 mile walk though starting the tree trunk post 100 swelling, I realized I had no pain, my hip flexor felt perfectly fine, and my legs felt surprisingly fresh, so I jogged another 5 miles. As I approached mile 10, I was reminded that I, in a fit of insanity, had signed up for The Swammie Shuffle 200 in February. I decided...what the heck. There is a 6 day cutoff for that virtual race and I did the math that if I ran 25 miles a day for the rest of the week, that I could turn the Dreadmill 100 into the Dreadmill 200, with the same 6 day cutoff!
Jason thought I was crazy but was supportive. I had to get up by 4am to get the 25 miles in on Monday, Tues Wed & Thurs before farmwork & housework. . So that Monday I felt pretty good and did that 5 hr /walk run to 25 miles. I took a break to run to the barn & feed the cows and found my sweet husband already doing the work for me! I listened to a lot of Sabaton music on Monday. On Tuesday ...I still had zero pain from the hip that had been strained, but my right knee had a pull in the ligament in the back. I wrapped with a brace and did a slow jog for 5 miles. Once the muscles warmed up it didn't give me any more trouble and I spent the morning watching movie soundtracks and Disney soundtracks. One fun thing of note was listening to the Lion King. It reminded me that when my daughter was 3 and Dexter was 2, was when I started running. I would put the Lion King cassette tape into the tape player and I would chase them through the house, a loop from the kitchen, down the hall, to the living room and to the dining room. I'd set the timer for 20 minutes and we'd do our 'run' every day. It was such a sweet special memory...we kept that tradition up for at least a couple of years. <3 I smiled and wiped away tears remembering those days when they were so little and precious and all mine.
Wed morning, I was startled awake at 3:50 am. I was having a deeply vivid dream felt so real. I have this reoccurring dream of a secret passage in an old house that leads to a hidden room, it almost looks like the inside of an old barn or a windmill. I dreamed once again that I'd gone to the hidden room, this time with Jason and found it was was full of Dexter's belongings, many I hadn't seen for years. A cat he was raising, his backpack, a mat for sleeping, the beginning of a business venture, Christmas presents for his siblings and daughter &, his wallet. In his wallet, I found he had left me a suicide note. He did not leave a note in real life.
The note said "Mom if you find this I've decided not to live. I didn't want to be a burden, I had too much debt. Know that it's not your fault, I'll promise to take care of you like you've always taken care of me." ...
Those words went straight to my soul and I woke straight up. I was left with this lingering sadness yet peace...it felt like words were true and that he spoke to me through that dream. As I got up to run I decided I needed to show my love that day by pressing hard, to finish the 200 in 5 days instead of 6. This week had been so very hard, missing Dexter and some of my children and grandchildren that I don't see, and going into the new year without him, so I definitely had an overabundance of emotional energy to fuel me.
I ran the first 25 in about 5 hrs, just like the first 50. Took a break to feed my animals, massage the soreness out of my muscles and eat a big salad for lunch, then 12:01 pm got back on for the last 22 miles. I thought I had 25 to go but then I remembered I had run an additional 3 on Christmas Day.
I felt great the first 5 miles. I put SSgt Taylor Wilson & Sgt Jacob Grays pictures on the treadmill where I could see them. Looking at their faces, gave me so much strength. I decided to break the last 22 miles (22toomany -as my beautiful friend Rebekah pointed out) into 3rds. 1/3 for Taylor, Jacob and Dexter. As I thought of each of them during their miles and looked at their smiles while I ran I prayed for their families, their mothers, and tried to feel each one of them. The stretch I ran for Taylor was the hardest, mile 7.33 to 14.66... my whole body started aching, knee and achilles tendon hurting, getting nauseous. My family had all gone off to nap or play games....that was really my the biggest low. I kinda talked out loud to the boys. I really prayed for the pain to let up...prayed for the treadmill to hold up. It'd been stopping and needing to be replugged in about every 5 miles. I really wanted to finish by 6pm to be under the 5 day time limi, but also decided I wanted to push to beat that by an hour so I pushed through some pain and tears and kept my pace up. During the last 7.33 miles for Dexter I put on an imagine dragons concert. I was able to zone out and feel my son and his support and love. My family came back around and got me tylenol, a big orange juice and a couple bottled waters. I did the first 100 high carb, the second 100 I was back to eating low carb...but was so depleted by mile 195, that I needed just that extra bit of energy to finish. Felt sooooo good to hit that 22! 200 miles on the treadmill in 4 days, 22 hours and 51 minutes! I crushed my goal, well under Swammie 100 cutoff, by a full 29 hours. I was SO happy the treadmill didnt cut out and I was able to capture the number 22. <3
Jason bought me a balloon and took my pic, and took me out for Arbys French dip, fries and Jamocha shake to celebrate. I've been fairly sore, better after a good nights rest, and I feel like I expended all the emotional pain and sadness that had been building. While this wasn't really a planned 200, I am counting it towards my 100 mile goals because it was done in an appropriate cutoff amount of time, and I ran it with a focus that I have done as with any race. No shortcuts.
I am definitley taking a week or so off from running. gotta get that memory of discomfort dimmed before I try and pull out another 100 in January. But all in all I think this was a great #14, and it ended up being very meaningful. <3 <3 <3
This song came on at my last mile. It's been a song that's often been a message to me from Dexter. He and I sang it in the car together upon his release after a month at the state psych hospital. No one but he and I and Jason really know what that time was like. My poor, poor boy. So intelligent, such a lover of personal freedom, such a desire to be a warrior and good man and good father, reduced by mental illness to being inpatient for a month in a psych hospital. It really broke him. :(
To me this was a message of hope for the New Year, 2021. No matter what comes, Everything will be alright. <3
Rise up this mornin'
Smile with the risin' sun
Three little birds
Pitched by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true
Sayin', "This is my message to you, whoo-hoo"
Singin', don't worry, about a thing
'Cause every little thing, is gonna be all right
Singin', don't worry, don't worry 'bout a thing
'Cause every little thing, gonna be all right"
Happy New Year in Heaven, Dexter
Comments