Dark Anchor, Savannah Georgia, #44

Had a solid 3 1/2-week recovery after running the Dreadmill 100. Felt like a slow recovery and couldn't get my pace quite up to what it was, just some residual fatigue from 2 December races I think, but overall felt good going into this race. I got many rest days including some bonding with my horse Arda.

Going into this race I loved the theme of Dark Anchor " I refuse to sink"... a great motto to go along with running for suicide awareness. This is from the registration page which I loved!

Thinking of some friends who were struggling with suicide ideation over the holidays. 🥺 It also reflected some of my journey, for the first 2 years after we lost Dexter I felt I was sinking, and running and faith and sheer will kept me barely afloat until I was strong enough to live again, so I think that's a powerful message.

My body was a bit worn out this month, but I felt like my spirit was shining and strong. After months of my sister bugging the crap out of me, our family started watching The Chosen on Amazon prime. I was afraid it'd be a cringy youth pastor's kind of Jesus they'd portray, but it's ended up being such a moving, breathtaking show and has helped me put an image to the feelings I have in my mind and heart about Christ. January is usually a cold dark month for me, memories of Dexter sinking deeper into mental illness & depression...but every time I started to go down that dark hole I'd try to picture Dexter living now in the presence of our magnificent Lord and I mostly felt just joy for him. As much as I wish he were still here, in his shoes I'd rather be where he is now and I know he is happy and loving his eternal life.

I was hit hard at Christmas when someone in my family, not going to mention names because it doesn't matter, said to me "when are you going to accept that Dexter's dead? You need to move on." I know it came from a place of immaturity, but it was painful. Hit like a ton of bricks. Being a wife and mother and grieving a child (children counting 2 who are now estranged) has been a huge challenge for me. How can you explain to someone that you are always a mother to all your children and always carry the pain of loss? A mother never moves on from grieving a child and I said that Dexter would always be alive and part of me as long as I'm living. It did give me pause to think how people will only accept grief for a period of time and that we get pressured to start hiding sadness. I definitely don't share my feelings of loss as often and I'm more careful about who I open up to, and it shouldn't have to be that way. I hope running for Dexter will also raise awareness for grieving parents and normalize continuing bonds with those we've lost.

On the 9+ hour drive down I was making my pre-race Facebook post with pics of Dexter and the other Marines and just as I finished a song I used to laugh with Dexter over when he was 11 came on the radio. " You're beautiful"... he used to jam out silly singing it to his BF. Hit me hard and I cried missing him but it also felt like a comforting hug and sign that he was with me for this race. 💙💙💙 Was a little chunky going into this run after too much careless holiday eating, went back to eating keto about a week before the race and dropped a quick 5 lbs. Not enough time to fat adapt before running & didn't want to wake up race morning to sugar inflammation so an hour before the race I ate a big handful of m&ms, some fig newtons and a jelly donut so I had some solid carbs in the system for the early miles when I hoped to make good time. Stayed in a sketchy part of Savannah but it was close to the race course on private property so felt a little better being out all night in a gated park, ha! I realized the morning of this race that I get complacent in my race planning and don't always critically think so I need to make a pre-race checklist. I almost went out and ran a warm flat race without taping my chafe- prone areas. Luckily I remembered at the last minute.

Sad my Ukraine flag got tucked under Sgt Grays picture, I didn't realize till after 90 miles. :-P Gonna wear one until they defeat Russia.

This was a pretty crowded race at the beginning because there were runners going all distances. I'm not a big fan of that. Once the crowd slowly disappears off the course and you're just out with the 50-100k-100 runners everyone is so much more friendly, less competition (??) just trying to encourage each other through to a finish.

Wormsloe plantation, the site of the race, was quite beautiful with moss covered oaks, soft trail, palm trees, views of a marsh & lake, the only problem is that it ended up being somewhat sneaky in technical. Felt very runnable but there were some hidden roots, sticks, larger sized gravel so there was a constant tripping hazard, really had to run staring down at the trail and not enjoying the views, after doing 3 solid faceplants. My friend Margaret sprained her ankle on the first loop but ended up sticking in there for 24+ hours. One time I fell I cut my hand and banged my shin hard on a root, that ended up giving me some trouble later on.

Running thru these ancient oaks was pretty neat.

I've been struggling with a baker's cyst in the back of my prosthetic knee so that was giving me some trouble early on. I took some pain meds, rubbed in voltarin cream and prayed alot, it eventually eased off and I ran on it okay. Early on I felt pretty confident and my pace was lit! But after 30 miles or so -loop wise, realized my tracker was still on the treadmill setting, measuring my arm stride so my watch said I was at 40 miles. That was way off the race posted distance so I had to stop it, switch the setting to trail ultra. It took me down from thinking I was at 40 miles to getting it reset at 32 1/2- miles. That was a big mental hit, but I thought, whatever, going to get the awesome buckle even if got set back 8 miles mentally. Talking to multiple runners judging from various distances on our watches and experience we figured the loops were actually 3.6 making this a 105 mile run. Whatever, I just kept my focus on 30 laps to the 100 buckle.

There was a little settlement towards the end of the loop, I loved the blacksmith sign, remining me of when Dexter wanted to learn blacksmithing and attempted to build a forge in one of our outbuildings. It's still there. :(

The morning was perfect running weather, cool enough I needed mittens and arm sleeves but ditched them as soon as the sun was up. There was quite a bit of humidity and sun but most of the course was shaded. There was a breeze most of the day though 70 degrees definitely felt warm in January. I tried sticking to liquid calories but the race had a good truck that served up some steak burritos for lunch and steak club sandwiches for dinner. I did okay with the burritos, they were delicious! I risked the sandwich though it was late afternoon and the warmest part of the day. Also amazing but came back to haunt me later. Had my friend Angie out running and it was fun to see her on the course, and talked to a few runners who knew me but I didn't recognize them. I tried to be cheerful and encouraging and helpful to others & it's fun to find the others who reciprocate. Not everyone does. During the first 30 miles I didn't use poles because the trail was "easy" but after the 3 faceplants from tripping on roots I decided to go ahead and use my poles early on in the race. I know it could take just 1 wrong fall to wreck my knee. Chatted a little on the phone to Jason, took a fall with my eyes off the trail for a second so I could only call or text him on the very short strip of asphalt. I took a few minutes after dinner on the asphalt to call my grandbaby Ellie because she wanted to see Grandma Rosie running. 😍☺️💞

Jason meeting me in the afternoon. <3

That steak sandwhich was the bomb.

Jason didn't crew much till past 40 mi since I had easy access to all my stuff but it got more necessary overnight as it got colder, needed a jacket, hat and some packets of hot hands to stay warm. I was doing okay in the dark, a little dehydrated and peeing pretty often so I cut back on extra electrolytes and stuck to apple juice and popping salt pills. After midnight I got hit hard with drowsiness and caffeine wasn't touching it. After stumbling through the dark for 2 loops trying to stay awake I finally had Jason clear me a spot in the back of the car and tried to take a 10 minute nap. Luckily we had just bought some pillows from a thrift store so it was comfy. It wasn't very successful, after half an hour I was sleep walking again. After 2-3 more hrs passed of drowsy misery and feeling nauseous but unable to vomit, praying I could get alert and control of my stomach. I wanted to just lay on the trail and nap but it was too cold. About then as I was tripping and falling asleep there was a huge fluttering of leaves and wings that scared me awake, then I realized it was an owl. It hooted at me and I immediately thought of my sweet friend Sally, running with her brothers Nate's picture too, that it was sent by him to wake me up until I was able to finish the loop and meet Jason.

I had Jason park the SUV right next to the course and keep the car heater on high heat while I tried to sleep again. This time I was fully unconscious for 5-8 minutes. That did the trick and I finally beat the drowsiness. I was low on calories but unable to eat, and I was mentally worn down after 12 hrs. of darkness and tired of messing with lamps. Even my new black diamond storm wasn't bright enough to see all the hidden roots, so I had to run it on high, still, it lasted abt 5 hrs, twice as long as others on high beam but still ended up swapping batteries twice in different lamps. Finally the sun came up and I was thrilled to ditch the lamps and stocking cap. After the sun came up about mile 85 I finally threw up for like 5 minutes, haha. I was so glad because the steak sandwich id had at 5pm was still sitting like a log in my stomach and that's what was making me feel bad. I knew I shouldn't eat solids @ 70 degrees after already running 50k but I risked it and paid for it. After that puke session I felt rejuvenated and awake for the last half marathon.

I take the worst selfies, I can never wipe all the sweat off my phone camera. So glad to finally reach the 13 mile countdown. Light at the end of the tunnel!

I held off on all food and liquid for 2 loops to let my stomach recover, then started again with 15-20 g liquid carbs every loop to the finish. I was hot, the weather was going from hot to cold with some wind & clouds so I took off my jacket and put on a light thermal to better regulate my temperature. then I just rolled my sleeves up or down with the temp changes, worked really well to keep from getting overheated or chilled.

Felt like my hydration finally balanced out and was moving pretty well- still at a jog at 90 miles. Around then I got this horrendous shooting pain in my left shin. Was a really bizarre place to be hurting and I was afraid somehow I'd torn a ligament. I still had 3 loops- 10 miles to go. Pain cream and pills weren't touching it so I was worried but wasn't gonna quit or slow down too much so close to the finish. Those last loops I fell into some conversations with other runners & did a bit of fast walking, it was a really good distraction to get out of my head and focus on listening to another person's story of why they're out running and sharing life and race experiences. I think it was really other people who got me through those miles, probably the most painful " injury" miles I've ever done. Luckily had my poles I could use as crutches. When I was alone at one point I just wanted to quit pushing and slowly walk it in. Around that time I felt so much encouragement- forceful push from my Marine angels. "cutthroat" came on my playlist by Imagine Dragons. It's kindof a harsh song haha, my teenagers even hate it, but Dan Reynolds is singing about his fight with his internal demons. It was just the song I needed, "tough me" needed to push through the pain and get to the finish line in a time I'd be happy with. So I sang this to my weaker self..."Only one of us gonna make it out alive, and it's not you!"

starting last loop

A few folks asked about my pictures that I got to talk about Dexter and the boys and running for veteran suicide awareness. Listened to some Sunday songs to help me pray and focus my thoughts on strengthening my spirit over my body. I was so happy and relieved when I finally got to the last loop. With 2 left to go the RD gave me a big hug and said I had 1 working lap and then 1 victory loop. I took that to heart and put on my favorite section of playlist and sang my heart out and danced down the trail the last look, while gimping along on the painful shin. There were some touristy folks out on the trail coming to see the historic settlement, and I figured I was a stinky crazy mess of a person to the regular folks on the trail, singing out loud, waving poles to music, tears running down my face, of joy and gratitude for answered prayers, unseen companions and the gift of a healthy body that's been doing all I ask of it.

An older guy name James was out doing a 50 and I passed him also dancing and singing on the trail ... He's my people. 😍😍 Wiped my eyes the last half mile when Jason and my volunteer friend Sally walked out to meet me and chatted with me to the finish. Jason had the important task of giving me some lipstick so my face wasn't a ghost in my finish photo. I'd lost mine in a fall and I care more about not having white lips than I do my horrible stench haha.

Crossed the finish line (not a timing map, just getting to the group of volunteers who were recording loops) and the big tall RD Jason wrapped me in his arms with a huge hug. It was great a sweet personal touch. Though I was in pain I knew I'd accomplished #44. Finished right at 30 hours, ended up at 6th place female, 12th overall. Not too bad!

Sadly, the food truck with the hot food left by my finish, which was wierd because there were many runners still out, but it's a good thing, shortly after we left Jason had to pull over twice so I could try unsuccessfully to throw up. I got out out of the car once and laid on the grass at a park under a neat moss covered tree to settle my stomach. It was enough to get me back to the hotel, where I laid down outside the door in exhaustion when our key didn't work and Jason had to go get a replacement. I thought, if anyone sees me staggering and collapsing on the floor probably would think I was a drunk...which may be less extreme than running 100 miles, haha.

Had a hot bath, was so gritty from trail dust, and got a good nap. Just sipped water off for a few hrs until I could keep down a salt pill. After I kept that down I felt okay to hobble around some thrift stores, my latest favorite hobby, then ate a grilled chicken & bacon salad for dinner and felt decent although I was so exhausted I took a little nap in our restaurant booth.

@ goodwill outlet haha.

Cool find that went with the race theme, haha. Foil clipper ships, I'm working on a gallery wall at home.

Was happy to see that my painful shin just appears to be bruising from one of my falls and it's only a bit tender now. I was disappointed for my friend Margaret, she sprained her ankle the first loop but kept going well past 100k anyway, there was a snafu with the ladies counting loops & there was a 3 or 4 loop discrepancy between her count and the official count so she understandably dropped out. Thats a big mental hurdle to get over but especially past 70 miles.

My next planned run isn't until Dexter's angelversary, Feb 25. I'll run from my home in Berryville to the Marine Corps monument in Washington DC and possibly around the mall. It's not a " sanctioned race" for the record book but I don't really care too much. I just wanna get in any 100 I can to meet my 100/100s goal. I feel like maybe the world is going to implode on itself so I feel some urgency while we all live in the normalcy bias. My daughter Hannah and Jason and I are always talking about how we can't wait for the second coming of Jesus and anytime anything bad happens in the world we chant "end! end! end!" Haha. It's just a joke but honestly as a Latter Day Saint I definitely believe we're living in the last days & I look forward to that day, until then I'm gonna work my butt off to get my 100 before I meet my Dexter again. 💙☺️

lyrics to an ID song, got me emotional on the drive home. :(