Its been almost 2 weeks since my race and I just haven't been able to get my mind settled to sit and write about it. I was pretty discouraged that this turned into a 50 mile race instead of a 100, but on the 2100 mile drive from Arizona back to Virginia, I picked up a pretty harsh dry cough that has been pestering me. I don't know if it's Covid 19, I doubt it... I've been staying home for 2 weeks just to be safe, but in hind site I am glad I didn't push the last 50 miles because a 100 mile race compromises your immune system and the last thing I need is permanent lung damage. Yikes!
This training season from Jan- March was so difficult. I was trying to emotionally survive and hold things together through the 2 year anniversary of Dexter's death on Feb 25. Every day through February was difficult, flashbacks, memories...struggling to get my shoes on every morning... most of my running was indoors on the treadmill because I couldn't take the grey skies and cold weather. Confidence was low after my last DNF and I thought more than once about throwing in the towel. I think the turning point to being excited about this race happened on Dexter's angel-versary. The morning of the 25th my sweet youngest daughter went into labor with her 1st baby, three weeks early. I knew the minute I heard the news that this was a gift from a loving Heavenly Father, and Dexter...to bring something happy to the awfulness of the day. A sign of their love and presence in our life. Our sweet little angel girl was born to the hour of 2 years since we found Dexter. She was born with several heart shaped birthmarks that were just so beautiful and sweet...it was just an undeniable sign that she came with a message of love. It brought so much light into my dark days and we eagerly drove to Utah on the 29th to spend 2 weeks with the baby and acclimating to the climate before my race. We stayed 2 weeks in a hotel and with the cold weather I did early morning taper runs on the treadmill. I think that's probably where I picked up the cough... about 2 days before the race got a scratchy cough.
Morning of the race was cold and extremely windy. I ate 4 pieces of pizza and 3 donuts the night before and figure it was a good enough start on my calories... I think what ended up throwing me off was hydration. I never have a problem with swelling but 10 miles into Antelope, my fingers were so swollen that my rings were cutting off the circulation. I have no idea what I did wrong...was hydrating pretty well and taking electrolytes, but nausea kicked in as early as a half marathonin & I knew it wasn't going to be my race. That being said, these were the most exhilarating, spectacular miles I have ever run in a race and I definitely got my moneys worth.
Starting out in the dark and cold, hot hands in my gloves, One of Ssgt Wilsons songs were the first to hit my playlist. "Don't wanna be an American idiot..." I almost felt this wry sense of humor...Global pandemic, people are panic shopping, and here I am running though the desert. It made me laugh. I felt like those early hours up till dawn were for Taylor and his family. As the sun came up with the most brilliant desert sunrise, the lyrics "I don't want to miss a thing"...made me feel how much he loves his family and his son, and how he would be there for every important thing in his life.
The race had quite a large group of runners with a half and 50k included, but spread out in the desert in between sand dunes rock formations and sagebrush, it still felt like a very solitary run. The toughest part of the morning was running through a wash, wind whipping sand into our faces and eyes & I had to stop and put on sunglasses. It was a relief when I got to Antelope Canyon itself. It felt wrong to run through this sacred ground. You could just feel the Indian spirits there deeply and pretty much everyone stopped running to take pictures, to ooooh and ahhhh over the surreal rock formations, the amazing colors of the twisted curves of the red sandstone, it is something I will never forget. As I walked through I talked to the boys I was running for in my mind, making sure they got a view of this pace. It was very moving. I didn't feel right looking for heart rocks in the sacred places so I kept to the open desert and found a few that had the same red rock of the slot canyons. 90% of the miles were pure sand. My legs handled the sand better than I thought they would. I thought I would get tired of the relentless desert but honestly the red sand, sea green growth of the plants struggling to survive in the climate, the bluest sky I have ever seen... I just ran in absolute wonder at how absolutely beautiful it was. At one point I was running down some steep inclines of deep sand and decided that was my absolute favorite thing to do, it took no effort, a soft landing, it pure exhilerating fun. It was about that time when I started to think of Keith. There were some song lyrics that just went straight to my heart and it was like I had a flash running down the dunes, of how much he loved his freedom, especially out riding his Harley, and how much he loved his mom. "You know, in some ways you're a lot like me You're just a prisoner, and you're tryin' to break free... Gonna be your man in motion All I need is a pair of wheels"
The most physically difficult portion was about a 6 mile stretch ....that felt like 20. This was primarily slick rock after we had a stunning view of horse shoe bend. I realized there was no kind of training that I have done that prepared me for that...and there is no way to describe it until you have run on it. Endlessly technical, slippery, portions where the heights were dizzying, so remote I felt like I could have been alone on an alien planet! I felt myself get really dehydrated out on that section following along the river canyon, there was a cold, stiff wind, a bit of rain, I thought Id' never reach the next aid station and I was parched and my water bottle dry by the time I got through. It was a little terrifying, realizing if I didn't follow the pink course flags I could very easily get lost and die out there in the desert, Ha! It felt like such an adventure. I realized if I didn't do any race ever again, I wouldn't trade those miles for anything. They really tested me. The most meaningful miles I had were the 10 miles of sand after slick rock. I spent a lot of time on my own. The aid stations were still busy and but I pretty much ran in and out on my own with hardly a word... I definitely missed the intimate atmosphere you get in a stricly50- 100 mile race. There were long sandy miles through slot canyons, some so close you touch both walls of the canyon while walking through them, climbing ladders, uphill in the sand along beautiful desert cliffs. A song from my childhood popped up on my playlist, from a cheezy LDS musical My Turn on Earth. I was thinking of Dexter and my new grand baby, as the lyrics came on... "My turn, it's my turn It ends with death, it begins with birth And it's my turn, on Earth Never mind just how long you stay The size or shade of the horse you've got Just see all the sights and hear all the sounds And feel the sun, and you'll learn a lot" My heart was just flooded with understanding of the purpose of life, that we all have a time to be born, and a time to die, and that death isn't the end. I just openly wept while running (and as I write) because the feeling of love and peace I felt from Dexter and knowing he loves us and loves his little niece, and that death doesn't break the bonds of family...those thoughts and impressions just filled my soul. It is so worth the hours alone and the physical sacrifice to feel the clarity of thought that comes in an ultra. I was feeling really strong and energetic coming up on the 40 mile mark where I was going to meet my family. I'd picked up another name to run for just prior to my race. Sgt Brandon Parr who lost his life in service. His widow had been snubbed by the community on the anniversary of his death. When people heard about it, they stepped up and showed her incredible support and I wanted her to know his sacrifice wasn't lost on all of us. As I ran through the afternoon I thought of the loss of her sweetheart and these words came to my mind... "honey it's been a hard year... you're crying inside your bedroom.... I promise you, I'll make it right. I'll make it up to you" and I just felt this feeling of peace and love that here was a man, a hero, who still loved his wife from heaven, and he would make sure she had a happy life. Again I had tears running down my face. I think there is just something about the desert... it really is a spiritual place and while I think a lot about the technical details of getting through a race, sometimes thoughts push through that I maybe don't understand but I feel like I need to write them down. <3
Met Jason and my boys at 40 miles relieved to be done with the sand. Felt confident heading out for the first of 6 10 mile loops with a solid pace and feeling very strong. I don't know why but at this point the wheels just flew off the bus. My legs aside from some minor shin splints still had lots of energy, but I couldn't get down any food or liquid without gagging. Just as the sun was setting I started shivering and vomiting and slowed to a slow discouraging walk, while trying to soak up the spectacular views of lake Powell. It was like a light switch went off and I just kinda knew my race was about over. I started apologizing to Dexter and Taylor, Keith and Brandon, said I didn't think I'd be able to pull out a 100. I have never gotten so sick so early in a race. As I felt super discouraged I found this perfectly shaped red heart right in the middle of the trail and the feeling hit me that the number of miles didn't matter much, it was the effort, showing up at the start line, remembering their families...that really mattered, and they were all grateful.
Jason walked out to meet me and around 48 miles I layed down in the car, tried to eat some oranges to get my strength back up but couldn't keep them down, and I just wanted to quit. Jason made me get up because I was 2 miles away from getting the 50 mile medal... so I put on my pack, 3 coats and a heavy blanket to try to stop shivering and he walked-jogged the last 2 miles with me I was pretty much staggering and weaving and as we crossed the 50 I went straight to the medical tent for an hour. Even after resting and getting warm I still couldn't keep any food or liquid in my stomach. The medal was beautiful and while really kind of dissapointed in myself, I knew it was all I had to give that day, and I wouldn't have traded those miles for anything. I learned a lot out in the desert...and there are just no words for the feeling of freedom, joy and exhilaration there is to be found out on such an adventure! This race was probably the last ultra in the country as all races were being shut down for social distancing for the corona virus. My April race, New Jersey Devil at the end of April is cancelled. I may decide to run one of my own close to home...I have some fear to overcome because I've found I can take all sorts of pain, but nausea and vomiting wipes me out completely and steals my will to live. :-P I'd been trying successfully to keep my weight down through winter depression and so I thought I'd try and spread my calories more effectively throughout my races...I think I need to go back to my old strategy, incorporate my incredible binge eating talent and eat all the food and liquid I can possibly cram down my throat the morning and early hours of a race, for as long as my stomach will take it, so that I stop hitting this wall. 2x in a row is pretty disheartening. I waffle back and forth about wanting to quit...till I get outside and get in a good run and then I want to do another race, haha. For now, I'm self quarantining in the house for 2 weeks to make sure this irritating dry cough I picked up isn't Covid 19, and taking it easy on the treadmill, and painting some of the rocks I picked up on the course. Here's to more endurance my next 100 mile race and a more settled stomach! Lots of love to the Wilson, Bakewell and Parr families. <3
Comments