"The winds and the waves shall obey thy will, peace, be still"
I've had a tough few months. Sick for weeks and lonely leading up to the holidays, heartbreaks felt fresh and acute & accumulated in a rare panic attack when I arrived home from the gym one morning. I started hyperventilating and passed out in my driveway. The day before I'd been discussing finding a home for my Great Pyrenees back in Berryville. Out of nowhere, a random Pyre showed up in my driveway at Froggy Mountain. He licked my face with love and helped me get to my feet and to my camper, still gasping for breath. I hugged him and cried into his fur, a big white fluffy angel. As I cooked breakfast in my outdoor kitchen, the dog who I called JD, stayed with me. He frolicked in the yard like he was playing with someone and I just sensed Dexter was there. I felt this. "Mom, you will never be alone."
I knew I needed spiritual guidance and support, so I finally called my LDS bishop. I needed someone safe to pour out my heart to. He reminded me of many things but mostly to remember to keep my eyes on the Savior and I would not sink in the storm. I left his office and felt all sadness and weight lifted from my heart, and only felt peace and mercy and understanding. Like in a moment I had found myself again. Perfect peace. I know my life isn't what I dream of, but I can go forward in faith. The scripture " Whomsoever will lose his life for my sake, shall find it " pierced my soul and helped me feel commitment to take my eyes off my pain and serve others, and my own dreams will come find me.
I woke up at 4:30 am to my first snow in Galax. Kevin had me stop by his house before heading to the airport to fly to Dallas Texas. He's convinced me that I am supposed to write a book for my granddaughter, so he printed 10 of my race reports for me to begin the editing process. I feel so grateful for his confidence in me. Gave me a motivational speech and told me to go get that buckle, & made me say " I am going to get the buckle!" We'd gone on a walk in the woods and amazingly he found a Native American effigy that we carried home. While he printed, I put my hands on our ancient friend and tried to absorb the good spiritual vibes... the thought overwhelmingly coming to my head, "keep your eyes on me."
Driving to the airport with my single carry-on for a cheap a$$ flight, driving on bald tires & with my check engine light on in my car, I felt light as a feather and had a renewed confidence heading to the start line of 100 miles. On the plane as I edited my life, and my race reports, I got quite emotional reading my thoughts in the early days of grief & running, still deep in mourning. It was a kick in the gut, but a good reminder of how far I've come as a suicide survivor, finding far more joy in life than pain. Occasionally a grief attack might bring me to my knees, but most days I function normally.
Flying into Dallas, I had plans to meet a running friend, Chris, who would be running the 100k and with help from his USMC son Landon, would be arranging crewing and pacing. It felt good to know I was going into this race with a support team! Picked up my snacks and race fuel and headed to Ft Worth. I get anxiety attacks at the airport, but I have been practicing my breathing the last few days. deep breaths in and out, one step at a time. I was relieved to get into my rental car and be on my way.
They fixed me a delicious pre race chicken & spaghetti dinner. It was a strange feeling to sit again in a warm house at a regular dining room table, to have a famous say grace over the food and enjoy a fun and warm conversation about races we'd done. It was so homey, I thought that was prob as close to a Thanksgiving dinner with family that I will have this year. 🥺
I was so relieved to be getting a good night's rest in a lovely room with a queen size bed, probably 4x the size of my camper couch bed. Around 1am I woke up with a mild anxiety attack. I didn't know where I was, in a hotel room? At my home in Berryville? I wasn't in my camper and was really disoriented. I guess Dexter was awake keeping an eye on me because he sent immediate help. Suddenly Kevin called from Froggy Mountain to check on me. I was able to get grounded and remember where I was and after a brief chat slept until my 3:45am alarm.
Chris made me oatmeal for breakfast, my favorite! I loaded it with brown sugar and butter, so delicious!! We had an hour drive to the start line. It was a cold 37 degrees at the start and I ran into a few people I recognized. Got our gear laid out and hit the start line @ 7am.
Once we started running, I warmed up quickly and took off my coat. I met a few cool people, one lady had a brother in the army who was KIA in 2004 that she runs for, so I got to tell her about Dillon. Another guy had a friend named Matthew who took his life in January. 🥺
The course had some great running sections where I made good time, a majority of the miles were dusty rolling hills, rugged, rocky with a lot of loose rubble. I liked the Texas desert with its scrubby brush and fields of cactus. Saw a cute couple running together holding hands, then with a quick kiss they parted to run their own race. I thought that was adorable. That's the kind of love & relationship I'm looking for!
Veterans were out in force, Jesse in his Texas flag shorts, Mark with his Viking beard, and a dozen other army, air force and Marine Corps guys asking me about the Marines on my pack and Dexter. Through the race I had a dozen or more conversations about post trauma, suicide, and the struggles of veterans. It meant so much! With 100s of people on this 10-mile loop, it gave me a lot of opportunities to share.
Got a quick call from my crew at home @ Froggy Mountain reminding me I had a job to do today as a professional athlete and that I needed to get it done.
I felt light running and ate light, a few cookies, a mouth full of chips, peanut m&ms, the occasional banana or orange at the aid stations. I made sure to drink 8 oz of electrolyte every 2.5 miles. Had some thoughts from Dexter, reminding we one day we'd spend holidays and special days together again
It was a hot afternoon in the high 70s. I switched to mostly liquid calories for the duration of the race, consuming ginger ale and sprite mainly, though at lunch I braved eating 2 bacon cheeseburger sliders. Yum! My stomach hurt afterwards, crampy and nauseous but once I got ice got my down my shirt and cold water on my arms it settled down. I met an awesome Marine named Vincent out for his first 100 miler. He was so upbeat and positive, he took a video of us together and asked me to share my story. We cheered each other on the rest of the race and like a tough ol Marine, he stuck through the brutal heat and miles to finish his race shortly after me.
Met Air Force veteran Chris, who'd served for 15 years. He'd lost friends to suicide. We discussed the need to talk about mental health and to watch for cues of danger of this around us. I ran a little with Mo, who was running the 100k with his 3 daughters, one in the Air Force and 1 a Marine. I thought it was so cool that were out there in a family effort doing something hard and epic. How blessed as a dad to have that kind of support and team! I got a big hug from him at my finish line. Another friend I made was a Marine named Billy. We were running about same pace, & he choked up when I told him Dexter's story. Super nice guy.
I was starting to feel sick again, tired, and my knee started really hurting. As I started to get choked up in tears and having an emotional pity party, thinking about some of my personal struggles, I was hit with the thought that I needed to stop thinking about myself and focus on cheering on the people around me and helping them to have a good day and a good race. With those words, "Keep your eyes on me." I was able to change my outlook and really enjoy the afternoon and evening running.
Into the evening and overnight I was able to drink down a delicious lentil soup with some potatoes mashed up at one of the aid stations. My friend Stephanie from Shipley 100 had a crew and tent set up to help other runners, so I got to be cheered on by her and her friends every loop. I didn't see Chris again until after he finished his 100 k in 17 hours. My knee was swelling painfully, enough that I went to the first aid station. They didn't have an ace bandage, so we wrapped my knee in pink k-tape. It got me through the night until it got too irritating to wear. The overnight temps were perfect, and I was able to just wear my light flannel shirt to stay warm. I stopped a few times to gaze at the start filled sky. I got a bit drowsy at one point, so I doubled up on caffeine and that kept me moving well all-night, listening to my tunes. Met another awesome Marine out running his first 100 with his Air Force buddy, having knee pain, so I shared some of my voltarin pain cream. Alot of attractive military men running this race, I decided a good place to meet a boyfriend might just be during a 100 miler, lol. I fell into a sleepy, slow, pain filled death march overnight, moving forward the best I could, singing out loud and cheering on other runners as we passed each other on the out and backs throughout the night. All the volunteers were cheerful and helpful, I hardly had to fill a single one of my bottles and they made sure to swish them about so that I had flat soda to drink. Water, soda and lentil soup was the fuel for the night, and one cup of delicious noodle filled chicken soup.
Chris was going to run my 70-80 mile loop with me, but I missed seeing him at the aid station. When I rolled into 80 after sunrise, his son Logan, a captain in the USMC, was waiting with him to get out and run 2 loops with me. Logan is a sweet, kind, soft-spoken guy, but his solid steady pace for 10 miles on the trail was a clue-in that he's still a bada$$ Marine. I had Logan in front of me, one of the cool Marines I'd met just behind me, and all my Marines on my pack. The pressure to suck it up, act like a Marine and kick some butt was on.
I struggled to keep up with Logan, but I didn't ever ask him to slow down. He was a great pacer. one of the best I've had so far! He stayed a little way ahead of me to give me space to listen to my music, sing & cry or whatever I needed to do, and we had some light conversations. I was blasting Sabaton. Most of the runners around us had slowed to a hiking pace but he kept me close to a 15-minute mile and we blew past probably 15 other runners and their pacers. I was exhausted but didn't complain. I was feeling a bit nauseous, and I think maybe I freaked out Logan a little when I picked up someone's discarded Slurpee, half full, and drank the rest of it, haha. It really helped! BTW at this time with a Marine for a pacer, I took a moment to be grateful that I finally got rid of that dumb UTI and didn't have to pee every 10 minutes.
When we rolled into 90, I was physically spent. My good friend Stephanie wanted to do a loop with me, so Logan left. Chris had given me a ride to the start line from the home up in Ft Worth, so he was there to cheer me on and help me. Stephanie gave me her hat for ice and Chris gave me a wash towel to wipe away sweat with. Had fun with Stephanie, we talked for half the loop and kept an easier pace to recover from my faster loop with Logan.
When I was with Logan I'd grabbed an orange from the aid station, chewing up each slice then spitting out the pulp. I accidentally swallowed a slice, so shortly after I picked up Stephanie as a pacer, my stomach rebelled and I violently vomited up coke until my stomach expelled it, and that little slice of orange. With heat and 15 miles to go, I had to take tiny sips of soda or water to stay hydrated and not throw up. I got quite dehydrated with temps going up into the low 80s, summer temperatures for where I live in Galax! The sun was beating down on the open stretches and I had to slow down to a 20 min mile jog until I got back into the shade. Stephanie usually doesn't carry extra water but for some reason she felt compelled to bring her extra flask. She said it was a Dexter moment because I needed extra water desperately to cool off my arms and head in between aid stations, and we were able to help another runner sprinting to make the 100-k cutoff but was out of water. With ice down my shirt and in my hat and ice water to keep my arms cool and sticky hands clean, also using a neck fan, I managed to recover from some heat exhaustion and stay steady.
My stomach revolted again, throwing up a bit of water I drank, so with maybe 8 miles left in the heat I couldn't take in any hydration, but I kept as cool as possible. I had to run the last 5 mile loop by myself, which was okay. Kevin called to check on me and make sure I was alright. Super helpful to pass the time on those last achingly slow miles. I'd picked up some tart suckers at the last aid station and they were really helpful to keep my dry mouth wet, with a trickle of sugar coming in that didn't bother my stomach.
When I got off the phone, I remembered that it was Sunday, so ran the rest of the race listening to church music. Feeling the spirit kept my heart light and happy and I finished strong with a smile ony face and joy in my heart. Everyone was SO nice at the finish line. My favorite race photographer and friend Jeni was there. She is incredible at capturing the raw emotions at the finish line. My favorite finish line photos are hers and she has arranged that my photo package from this race to be 100% free ☺️😍They should be released soon. She's a lovely and kind person! A couple ladies doing videography sat down with me for about 10 minutes and did a post-race interview which was awesome, loved talking to them, and they were so kind & compassionate hearing Dexter's story. 🥺☺️ Got a freaking cool buckle with the state of Texas and a T - Rex skull on it!
Chris & Stephanie helped me up and we got everything to his truck. Chris drove me over to the state Park to see the dinosaur tracks in the river, which was way cool!
We had an hour drive back to Logan's house where I was able to get a hot shower, and they fed me an amazing dish of homemade enchiladas drenched in salty salsa! So delicious!!!
I was able to sleep deeply in their comfortable guest bed before driving back to the airport at 3:30 am. Logan got up to give me a hug goodbye and I ate another plate of enchiladas on the way to the airport. 😀 Had some travel anxiety but got settled onto my flight, writing this race report and got back to editing my older race reports. Reminiscing about the early days of my running and grief, it's quite miraculous to think in the short time of 6.5 yrs, I finished 82 100 milers.
I put on my headphones to take a nap, and a song came on that was playing the last mile of my race. I was glad the lights on the plane were dim because tears rolled down my cheeks as I said a prayer of thanks and asked for strength for me and my soldier families to survive Thanksgiving this next week, with that Oh, so empty, seat at the table. "Letting go of every single dream,
I lay each one down at your feet.
Every moment of my wandering,
Never changes what you see.
I've tried to win this war, I confess,
My hands are weary, I need your rest.
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight,
No matter what I face, you're by my side.
When you don't move the mountains,
I'm needing you to move,
When you don't part the water,
I wish I could walk through,
When you don't give the answers, As I cry out to you, I will trust, I will trust in you." Lauren Daigle - Trust In You (Lyric Video) - YouTube Dinosaur Valley 100, in memory of my sweet PFC James Dexter Morris, LCpl Jake Crewson, Sgt Jacob Gray, SSgt Taylor Wilson, PFC Morgan Daly and PFC Dillon Jutras. Also Nate & Jenn that I carry.
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