I've been filled with doubt since my DNF at No Business. Immediately after I got home, I got a touch of the flu and spent a few days sad, depressed, & feverish. Questioning what the heck I'm doing. Living in a camper, working, ignoring things needing money, like bald tires, to pay for races. It was a hard week. Then working out at the gym one morning I got hit by a song -motivational speech, “Remember why you started.” Was so good, timing was just when I needed it. Remember Why You Started (OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO) Fearless Motivation - YouTube I had the opportunity to tell Dexters story in the East Coast Ultra-running magazine, and they wanted a picture of all my buckles. I laid them out on my table, and Kevin took photos and did a little mini video of them for our Froggy Mountain Adventures Facebook page. Seeing them all laid out reminded me that I can do hard things and reaffirmed that I have to finish what I started. This is the most important thing in my life right now, and everything I do needs to keep me focused on getting these hundreds for Dexter done.
My UTI disappeared for a day or two after my last race but was back by midweek. I tried calling my doctor several times to get an antibiotic, but they never called me back. I was also out of Zofran so I was really worried about nausea with warm temperatures in the forecast. Thursday night before I was supposed to leave Friday, I was woken up suddenly at 3:00 a.m. I felt love from my mom, concern and empathy. She was always getting UTI's! She prompted me to go online see if I could find a doctor / pharmacy. I managed to find an antibiotic I needed and Zofran, and within about 6 hrs it was at my work pharmacy & cost less than what a doctor's visit would have been without insurance. I felt so grateful that mom is watching over me.
Feeling better with 24 hours on antibiotics but fatigued with a cold /flu virus coming on, a bit achy with a mild fever, I drove to South Carolina and spent the night in a dusty little cabin with mouse droppings all over, some cute wall graffiti, a mattress on the floor and an electric light so that I could get ready for my race. It was near the start line and because I felt sluggish, I was glad the start was at 8:00 a.m. so I could sleep in.
The race put on a gorgeous full spread breakfast with Hash browns, quality bacon & eggs, plus pancakes. I'd already eaten a days worth or carbs but decided to go for it, a good ol campground breakfast.
I had the amazing opportunity to run into a Facebook friend, Julie. She and I met several years ago at one of my very first 100s. I was deeply grieving Dexter and the time, and her son had nearly died from a drug overdose 2 days before that race (Viaduct 100). She and I exchanged tears and love and support at that time and had remained friends. Her son's story is one of strength, he overcame his addiction, and she now has an adorable grandbaby. It was so special to meet her, sharing the understanding of the healing of running for a mother's anguished heart is a forever bond.
By mile 3, I knew this was going to be a difficult experience. I was fatigued, slow, and every step felt like double the effort. I had to just slow down and go a very moderate pace for the long haul. It was really wonderful to have quite a few people recognize me and say hello. It rested heavy on my heart that I need to not only do this for Dexter, but almost have a duty to see this journey through because people are watching. Sometimes I feel so stupid and angry at my weaknesses, self doubt, and mediocre abilities, but I do know that I can be strong enough to get to the finish line, so I mentally buckled down for the miles ahead. One thing that made me laugh was seeing a lady in snail shorts. I need those in my life!
A really nice couple with the husband in the military asked about my pictures. We talked a bit about the mission I'm on and the struggles of military life. I told them I was having a rough morning and they very emphatically promised they would pray for me. Left me teary eyed and grateful.
The course markings were a little confusing, and the heat kicked in early. People were nauseous early, one girl who helped me find the right path had been vomiting by mile 5. I got a nice call from Kevin who gave me a pet talk. We talked about how we were both sick, but we both had a job to get done this weekend and we were going to do it.
Just as I hung up with him, I tripped and did a faceplant. I hit a big rock super hard on my quad, just about the exact same size. So painful! I hoped it would shake off, but it hurt with every step, and ached pretty bad with every step the rest of my race.
Feeling down and discouraged, Dexters boot camp song, Bells of Freedom by Bon Jovi, came on in the middle of my pity party and helped me refocus.
"I was lost, on my knees
On the eve of defeat
As I choked back the tears
There's a silent scream no one could hear
So far away from everything you know is true
Something inside that makes you do what you got to do
Ring them bells, ring them loud
Let them ring here and now
Just reach out and ring the Bells of Freedom
When your world's crashing down
Like you've lost every round
Stand your ground
And ring the Bells of Freedom"
The aid station workers were fantastic, and I was absolutely thrilled when I realized they were stocked with chocolate milk! that became my calories and electrolyte of choice for the entire day and through the night. I loved one of their frog tattoos! At the aid stations I had to get ice dumped down my shirt, ice water on my head, and luckily I'd remembered to bring my neck fan.
Ran into a girl named Katie from Rocky Raccoon so we had a fun little chat. From about mile 25-40 I kindof regrouped and got into a nice pace and runners high. Was a beautiful autumn afternoon in the woods. I was relieved when all the shorter distance runners were finished so I could have the trail to myself. Like usual, I spent hours and hours singing. The pain in my quad continued well past dark but then it finally numbed out... well, more like, everything hurt, so I couldn. The afternoon heat finally caught up with me and it was getting harder to eat and drink. Id chugged down meal drinks, choco milk and electrolytes all day, but I started craving mashed potatoes and begging for them at the aid stations. One worker helped me tear apart some perogis for the mashed potatoes in them, we dumped them into hot water with salt and I created mashed potato soup that fueled me all night long. I met an army veteran name Julian who served 20 years. He told me he never thought about suicide, until he got out of the Army and lost his Brotherhood and his purpose. We talked about the difficulties and tragedies and how our veterans are not getting the help we need. I was so grateful to have run into him and have that meaningful interaction. At some point I met a lovely lady from Beast of the East named Heather. She had her pacer run me down and give me some roll-on CBD oil for my quad. Was so nice! I was feeling pretty nauseous, when Kevin called to check on me and encourage me. As it got late, I started kind of sleepwalking and had to really push the caffeine. Once the sun went down. I don't remember much except rolling into every aid station trashed and begging for chocolate milk and mashed potato soup. It turned into making it myself, with about a a quarter cup of dry mashed potatoes put into hot water packet of ramen season seasoning. That kept me going all night. My whole body was struggling with fatigue. Luckily I wasnt peeing every 5 minutes, but I had flu symptoms. I thought I missed the cut off 90 miles and thought I was done, but the race director didn't say anything so I kept going. Nausea was pretty bad and I couldn't keep anything down. @ mile 95 my amazing friend Julie met me with the aid station workers and really booosted my spirits and cheered me on. They tried to get me to drink more chocolate milk but I was dry heaving even swallowed spit at that point, so I just did without. Julie came out and ran the last 5 miles in with me. Might not seem like much but I needed that lifeline of support so much. I don't know that anyone's snapped a photo of me vomiting before. The last miles of a 100 miler can be pretty dramatic.
I was too tired to talk. We did share some stories & talked about our sons, & she recent very sweetly listened while I dumped about some of my recent life struggles. It was hard to move forward those last few miles that felt like hours, but I listened to music, and I tried to sing to take my mind off the suffering.
We got into the finish about 20 minutes after the cutoff, to a crowd of people cheering us on. the RD was so freaking great to let me finish, and I'm included as a finisher on ultra signup. Kind of upset I couldn't knock 20 minutes off my time, but all things considered, I was thrilled to take home a buckle. It was an ordeal. The finish line was pretty emotional.
My mind hasn't been quite right since this race. I've really lost my focus and struggling. Alot of that probably came from being sick for the last 3 weeks. Work started me in the pharmacy and I think I just keep picking up sicknesses there. Also doing back-to-back hundred miles while sick.... that's probably not a good idea. I'm happy to have 3 weeks between races now for some recovery and I think I've finally kicked all my infections and viruses. I miss my freedom, going to work to pay for my races has kinda sucked, though I work with great people, and I enjoy that, so that helps. They also work with my schedule and that's invaluable. I'm trying to stay distracted from the sadness the holidays will bring, but it does affect my drive to train. I've got to figure that out. Even though I live alone and often feel alone I do know that I have an amazing community of friends, and I know my Marine Corps angel families will pray for me and support me, as well as having the awesome support from Wear Blue and 22toomany. I expect all high goals come with periods of lows. Just like the lows of I might feel at 80 miles, but I pushed through, I will push through this challenging time in my life I feel the Unseen presence are those great men I carry have and I know that they have my back.
Journeying on this path alone, I was recently brought to my knees in tears and humility from a talk given by Elder Karl D Hirst in Octobers LDS general conference. As I look to running Dinosaur Valley 100 in Texas this weekend, I think at this time in my life, the solution I need for my struggles is not only the finish line of a 100 but it's the need to find this private place with my Savior.
“I wonder, if Jesus were to choose a place where you and He could meet, a private place where you would be able to have a singular focus on Him, might He choose your unique place of personal suffering, the place of your deepest need, where no one else can go? Somewhere you feel so lonely that you must truly be all alone ... a place to which perhaps only He has traveled and is prepared to meet you there when you arrive? If you are waiting for Him to come, might He already be there and within reach?
This Thanksgiving I hope my family, and the families of Dillon, Jacob, Jake, Morgan, Taylor and my friends Nate & Jenn, will know their loved ones will be remembered by me (and others!) for as long as my feet will carry me.
Comments